Twentieth of November
by Gater101
Summary: LAST CHAPTER: Not An Angel. Sam gets home.
1. I'll be there for you

**Twentieth of November **

_Gater101_

_  
_"I'm getting married." My heart stops as he utters those words. I knew it was coming, we all knew, but the hurt, the pain still causes my mind, heart, soul and body to freeze.

I push a smile onto my face and stand up.

"When?" I ask with a gentleness that belied my inner turmoil.

There is a thick silence in the room as his stare flits from the table to my eyes to the wall behind me. I fight the urge to sit back down but place my hand on the labtop to my left.

"November." He says finally, and his gaze eventually locks with me.

"Oh. Nice season, what date?" I ask casually, though my heart is pounding loudly in my chest.

"The twentieth."

I slump back down into my chair as my knees give way and gape at him.

"I know! God I know what else happened that day. I tried to get her to change it but she wouldn't." I blink slowly. "Sam are you okay?"

I stare blankly at him and nod.

"Yes, sir." I reply cheerfully. "That's only two weeks away. Sure your gonna be ready?" I ask as I turn away to hide my tears.

"Should be. You are gonna be there, right? I mean I understand if you don't want to, I mean if you want to be with Dad that day then I understand."

I spin around and smile brightly at him.

"I'll be there, sir. Wouldn't miss it for the world."

He smirks. "You never know. Thor might need another dumb idea."

I shake my head at his attempts at humour. This time I stand and hug him.

"Congratulations, Jack." I pull back and walk out of my lab as fresh tears fill my eyes.

The day I get to mourn my mother's death freely and I have to go to Jack's wedding. I know I have to go because he's one of my best friends. I really don't want to. How can I stand there on my mother's anniversary and watch the man I love marry another woman?

I nurse a glass of champagne to my chest as I stare out at the couples dancing on the porch. The moonlight glitters off the surface of the lake further down. The dancers seem surreal, like something from a fairytale the moonlight shadowing them in its pale glow.

I remember when Jack and I used to be like that. When we could hold each other and not be questioned. Until she showed up. Not only did she take my commanding officer away but she also took my lifeline.

I have to admit the ceremony was beautiful and I was able to shed a silent tear without being questioned. Janet was crying all over the place. Ever since Daniel...ascended she has been all over the place. Her emotional balance had been thrown out of whack by his decision to leave. I miss Daniel. Its at times like this I need him the most. Times when Jack hurts me, he's the only person who can comfort me. He never even got to meet Angela, maybe that's a good thing because he wouldn't have liked her much. None of us do. The normally impassive Teal'c snapped at her the other day. Good for him. I wish I had the confidence to do that, but I'm too afraid of what Jack will think.

I'm snapped out of my reverie when I hear voices behind me.

"I can't believe she showed up today." One voice said.

"I know. You would think she would at least act happy. I know she loves him and all but..." I stop breathing to make sure I don't give my position away.

"I know! And I mean you'd think she was at a funeral the way she was dressed."

"If that dress was any darker it would be black." I look down at my dress. It wasn't that dark!

"I hear Jack tried to stop Angela from picking this day."

"Oh I'd heard that too, but that bitch wouldn't let him.

"Something to do with not being a good day for Sam." The woman said as she put on a strange mocking accent.

"He's just as bad as her. Angela is convinced there is something going on between them, even now." My eyes narrow in anger and I have to stop myself from giving up my position.

"Wouldn't be surprised!" The other laughed.

"Hey, Sam." My eyes snap open and I hear shocked gasps come from behind me but they don't move away. Bitches!

"Colonel." I acknowledge him evenly.

"It's Jack, Sam." He looks at me intensely before shaking his head. "How you holding up?" He queries gently as he leans against the wall beside me.

"I've been better." Oh yeah! Way to go Sam, just give him cause to worry.

"If you want me to drive you home, I will." Yeah right! I think people are talking enough!

"You're in no state to drive and besides, I'm fine."

He nods his head and we fall into a comfortable silence.

"I'm so sorry, Sam." He whispers eventually and I get the feeling he's apologising for so much more than choosing this day. "Come on, let's dance." He removes his arm from around my waist - when did he put it there anyway? - and takes my hand and leads me slowly to the centre of the dance floor. Everybody stops and everybody stares.

"I don't think we should..." I trail off as he pulls me into his arms.

"Just ignore them."

The first notes play over the hushed crowd. I close my eyes as I recognize them. God please no! Anything but this!

He pulls me even closer to him and my hands automatically wind round his neck as his arms tighten around my waist. My chest constricts as I feel his body pressed against mine, the fabric of his jacket rubbing against the bare skin of my shoulder.

_You say you cried a thousand rivers _

Now your swimming for the shore

Left me drowning in my tears

Then you won't save me anymore

I breathe in and my senses are filled with Jack, his cologne, his breath, his shampoo. All I can feel is Jack's body pressed against mine melded together as one in a cherished moment in our lives. One tiny moment in a life of thousands that will be catalogued and sorted into files in my brain. This is one of those moments that is way up there with, 'when he smiles at me' and 'when he touches me' if not overtaking them.

_I'm praying to god you'll give me one more chance  
_  
This is it, I realize, this is the last time I'll ever be in a situation like this with Jack. I sigh and he pulls me even closer - if that's possible - and we begin singing the chorus together.

_I'll be there for you  
_  
_These five words I swear to you _

When you breathe I'll be the air for you

I'll be there for you

I'd live and I'd die for you

I'd steal the sun from the sky for you

Words can't say what love can do

I'll be there for you

We stay together in this forbidden embrace until the music stops and we are forced to break away from each other.

He guides me silently through the crowd with a hand on the small of my back. We come to the edge of the crowd and a young lieutenant walk up to me.

"Ma'am I'm Lt. Collins from the SGC. I have some news for you, if you'd like to follow me?" I turn to Jack as he raises his eyebrow.

"Of course." I step away from Jack and I feel a deep sense of loss as his hand slides from my back.

I follow the young lieutenant to the main corridor where he stops and turns to face me.

"Ma'am we received word from the Tok'ra." My heart stops as I recognize the look in his eyes my father had the same look in his when he came to tell me about my mother. "It's about your father." He stops talking and I step closer to him.

"Yes?" I almost snap.

"They think he's dead." My mask of defence slips into place and I smile lightly. "Ma'am, is there anywhere you'd like me to take you?" I keep my face neutral as I answer.

"That won't be necessary lieutenant," I smile, "thanks all the same."

"Yes ma'am." I turn and walk away.

As a waiter passes me I lift a glass of champagne from the tray he holds.

I walk into the main hall and look around for my friends. Jack looks like he's in a deep conversation with General Hammond so I choose not to interrupt. I can't see Janet and Jonas is smiling at something. Nothing unusual there. I look around for Teal'c but can't find him. Oh well, I'm alone...again.

Janet appears at my side and it's then that I realize why I'm here and not with dad on the day he needed me the most. I wondered why he wasn't invited, I even asked Jack but he mumbled something about 'Angela' and 'too many guests' before walking away from me. If I'd gone with dad then he wouldn't be dead. If that jealous little witch had invited him he wouldn't be dead!

"Sam are you okay?" Janet concerns over me.

"I'm fine," I say and walk away after placing my empty champagne flute on the table.

I step out on the now empty balcony and breathe in the fresh air. I can't believe how trapped I feel. I take several deep breaths but they don't seem to work. I lash out at the nearest thing; the table covered in champagne flutes. I sweep my arms over the table sending all the glasses shatter into tiny diamonds that scatter across the concrete ground.

I turn to make sure that no one heard the shattering; no one even blinked an eyelid and this only seemed to fuel my anger.

Tears burn the back of my eyes as I rush down the stairs. I fall over on my heels and in my rage, I lean down and yank them off and hurl them as far as I can across the moonlit park.

My legs continue to move in their chosen direction and my body easily follows. In the distance I hear someone calling my name but I choose to ignore it. Probably my imagination. I don't know where it is I'm going but when I reach the lakeside I realize what it is I want to do.

I look around and notice a small dock that reaches out several metres over the water. Taking slow deliberate steps I walk up to the jetty and climb the rotting stairs. Reaching the top I look out at the perfect lake on this perfect night. The moonlight glitters on the surface and I laugh bitterly. If only you knew half of what I did!

I look at the stars in all their beauty. A beauty that belies the truth of what they hold, of the cruelty that goes on out there daily.

I look down and discover that I'm at the edge of the dock. I take one last look at the stars. Today I fought my last battle.

I take that final step and plunge into the perfect lake; my last thought being that maybe, just maybe, I can destroy its simple perfectness, it's lack-lustre attempts at beauty and tranquillity. How can it be perfect if it claimed someone's life?


	2. Angel of mine

Twentieth of November part 2: Angel of Mine  
  
* * * * *  
  
  
  
"For someone who's just got married today you sure don't seem happy." General Hammond states and I look up shocked. Well wouldn't you be unhappy? The woman you love isn't the woman you married?  
  
"I just wish Daniel could have been here." I say instead and I can tell he doesn't buy it.  
  
"I'm sure he is, in his own way." I nod.  
  
"I just...I miss him, you know?" Now it's Hammond's turn to nod. I glance up and see my wife dancing with one of her colleagues. Further examination reveals that it is one of her ex-boyfriends.  
  
I look around and see Sam talking to Janet...or more accurately Janet talking to Sam. I close my eyes briefly, remembering the feel of her body pressed so closely against mine, the smell of her hair...the way she whispered my name at the end of the song.  
  
Cause I care about her... a lot more than I'm supposed to.  
  
Where the hell had that come from? I look at her again but she's gone. I crease my brow.  
  
I don't think we should...  
  
I jump as the memory seems to come crashing into my mind. Suddenly I feel as though I'm back on the dance floor with everyone watching and examining us like a piece of meat. Goddamit people! Can't you see that I love her? Can't she see that I lover her?  
  
I know I shouldn't have let Angela pick this day. I knew she wouldn't be happy. Angela's friends aren't making this any easier on her - us - by talking about her non-stop all the time! I just feel like ringing their necks!  
  
I hear a smash come from outside and glance around to see if anyone else noticed it; no one did so I take a few steps towards the door. Angela steps in front of me and swings her arm around my shoulder.  
  
"Smile for the camera, Jack!" She laughs and I push a false smile onto my face. "That's a good boy! Now where were you rushing off to in such a hurry?" For the first time I truly understand why no one liked her. I know that's harsh I married her for God's sake! But her self centred, self- credibility is driving me insane!  
  
"I was just going to check on everything." I mutter and pull out of the embrace.  
  
Her smile falls from her face and she glares at me. "Off to see how your major is doing more like!" She hissed. So this is what it's gonna be like from now on?  
  
"As a matter of fact yes. Now if you'll excuse me." I walk away but not before I hear her mutter.  
  
"Why didn't you marry her?" I choose to ignore her comments and walk out.  
  
For a fleeting moment I had this feeling of loss, of hurt. I glance at the glass diamonds scattered across the floor and instantly know it was Sam. I look frantically around and see her yank her shoes off and toss them as far as she can.  
  
I yell her name but she doesn't stop, doesn't blink an eyelid. I bound down the stairs and run to catch up with her.  
  
I'm not so sure she's in her right mind. She's stopped on the jetty and seems to be talking to herself. I slow my pace; there's nowhere she can go now.  
  
I freeze on the spot as I watch her take one more look at the beautiful November sky and take one long stride off the jetty and into the water.  
  
I begin running again. My feet move so fast I'm reminded of the armbands incident...okay let's not go there. I shed my jacket and carelessly toss it onto the ground, dive off the jetty and attempt to rescue Sam.  
  
The water is like a thousand tiny knives stabbing into my lungs and body. I guess that normally it would be dark down here but the reflection of the moon shining on the lake lightens it up a bit.  
  
Why is this happening? This shouldn't be happening! Doesn't she realize I've lost too much in my life to loose her? Daniel, Charlie, Kawalsky, Sara.  
  
I look around in the dimness trying to spot something, anything that will tell me of Sam's whereabouts. Just as my lungs begin burn I spot her.  
  
I grab onto her wrist and wrap my arm around her waist. Kicking frantically I break the surface and pull her to the shore. I run my hands over her body looking for any injuries when it dawns on me that she's not breathing.  
  
"Sam don't do this to me!" I yell as I begin CPR. "One-two-three-four! Come on Sam breath!" I shout as I feel the unfamiliar burn of tears at the back of my eyes.  
  
She coughs and a trickle of water trails from her mouth. I grin triumphantly and pull her onto her side.  
  
Only then does realisation hit me. This wasn't an accident. She wanted this to happen. I stare wide-eyed at her and she scowls as she sits up.  
  
"Sam...?" Her head snaps up and he notices me for the first time. I try not to think about how absolutely amazing she looks when she's soaking wet.  
  
"You idiot!" She screams and stands up attempting to run but her legs don't hold and she falls to the ground. I crawl slowly over to her and try to wrap my arms around her but she refuses. "You bastard!" She screams loudly.  
  
"Sam what..." I look at her puzzled.  
  
"You couldn't just let me die could you Jack!? No! You had to be the hero and try and save me! But you got it wrong this time Jack! This damsel doesn't want you to be her hero! You should have let me drown Jack! You bastard! The only time I don't want your help and you give me it! I hate you!" I try to touch her but she pulls away violently, tears threatening to fall. "Don't touch me!" She hisses and finally tears fall.  
  
"Sam, what's wrong?" I ask gently.  
  
"What's wrong!? I'll tell you what's wrong! I am alone! I'm alone here with no one to help me! Daniel's gone, Janet has Cassie! God even Jonas has that nurse from the infirmary! And what do I have? Nothing! No one! I don't belong here Jack. Everyone leaves me! I have no one." The last part came out in a whisper and more tears fall. I know better than to touch her so I settle for sitting beside her leaning against the jetty.  
  
"Sam, you have me. You've always had me." I whisper. I start hen she jumps up and turns to face me.  
  
"No! No I don't! You have Angela! You married Angela today Jack! Today of all days! How do you think that made me feel!? Do you think I was happy that I had to sit and watch as you married that...that witch!? I should have been with Dad today! Goddamit! She wouldn't even let you invite my dad! If I had been with him then none of this will have happened! He would still be here!" Suddenly her words ring clear in my head.  
  
"Sam, what happened to dad?" I stand up and try to comfort her but she starts hitting me on the chest.  
  
"He's *dead* Jack! The SGC received word from the Tok'ra...they think he's dead." She finally lets me hold her and she collapses into my arms.  
  
We're silent for a few minutes the music floating down from the dance hall.  
  
What you mean to me  
  
You'll never know  
  
Deep inside I need to show  
  
You came into my life  
  
Sent from above  
  
Better than a dream  
  
Such a perfect love  
  
And I'll adore you till the end of time Angel of mine  
  
  
  
"Sam you said they think he's dead, right?" She nodded, her head sliding up and down my chest sending my mind into over drive.  
  
"Yes...why?" her voice is muffled and I can feel it echo in my chest. She begins shivering.  
  
"Are you cold?" I feel her nod and I move away from her. She looks at me confused.  
  
Nothing means more means more to me  
  
Than what we share  
  
Nothing in this whole world  
  
Could ever compare  
  
"Two seconds." I look around for my discarded jacket the words of the sing ringing through my head. Why is it that every time I'm with Sam a song comes on that I can totally relate to?  
  
I find my jacket beside the jetty and take it back to Sam wrapping it around her.  
  
I bend my knees and look right into her eyes swiping at a few stray hairs.  
  
"Sam, you said they think that dad is dead. Do we know where he was?" She shook her head. "Okay...I'm sure the Tok'ra know. We'll ask them and go see if he's alive. How does that sound?"  
  
She nods her head and I put my arms around he again.  
  
"I'm sorry." I whisper in her ear and place a soft kiss on her neck.  
  
"What for?" She asks.  
  
"For all the pain I put you through today. You know how I feel don't you?" She nodded and I mimicked her gesture. "We should go in and get permission from Hammond. Do you want to go in or around?"  
  
"I'll go in." She goes to move away from me but I place my arm around her waist effectively stopping her.  
  
"You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but how did your mom die?" I ask her as we walk. She is silent for a moment then begins speaking.  
  
"It was when I was fourteen. Dad was supposed to pick her up but he didn't. She was waiting at the bus stop when a car swerved and hit her. She died instantly. Dad never forgave himself." I take this in and store it away somewhere. "What about Charlie?" I stop at her words and she turns to look at me. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that I'm..."  
  
"It's okay." I step back to her and we continue walking. "I was just back from a mission. I had two weeks leave and I was planning on spending it at the cabin with Sara and Charlie. I just arrived when I heard the shot. It was horrible. There was blood everywhere. We called an ambulance but it was too late. He was gone." The images came crashing back to be as though it only happened yesterday.  
  
"We're here." I wrap the jacket tighter around her and walk in my arm on her waist.  
  
The room stills and everyone turns to us. I feel Sam stiffen and I pull her closer. I look around he room. I see Angela and her friends watching us with a disgusted look on their faces. Damn people. I spot my team, Hammond and Janet standing in a corner talking quietly amongst themselves, oblivious to the fact that everyone else is silent and still.  
  
"T, Jonas, Janet!" I call to them and they turn. I see Janet's shock as she attempts to get through the crowd. I put my hand up to stop her.  
  
I guide Sam through the crowd towards the door.  
  
"O'Neill what is the problem?" Teal'c asks me as I near the door.  
  
"It's dad." I say to him. I turn back to the crowd. "General! Can I have a word please? Janet you look after Sam. Teal'c, Jonas come with me." I look at Sam. "You gonna be okay?" She nods and pushes me towards Hammond. "Okay! I'm going."  
  
I walk towards Hammond and he looks at me questioningly.  
  
"Did Major Carter tell you about her father?"  
  
"Yes, sir. That's what this is about. Permission to go on a search and rescue mission to find Dad." I look across at Sam and Janet and find Janet checking Sam over. I wonder if I should tell her about what Sam tried to do.  
  
"Jack...they think he's dead Jack." He says sadly trying desperately not to let the tears fall.  
  
I sigh. "I know but if we find a body at least then we know and it can out her mind to rest."  
  
"Very well. I'll come back with you." Hammond said as he picked up his jacket. "She'd been through enough in her life. She doesn't deserve this."  
  
I think back to what she said out on the jetty.  
  
How do you think that made me feel!? Do you think I was happy that I had to sit and watch as you married that...that witch!?  
  
"Yes, sir." I walk towards Sam again Teal'c, Jonas and Hammond following. I slip my arm around Sam's waist and nod to Janet who heads down to her car and unlocks the door.  
  
"It'll be okay, Sam. I promise." I lean closer to her and whisper in her ear. "You'll always have me."  
  
I turn and see Angela and her friend - Julie I think her name is - watching us and I sigh. It wasn't supposed to be like this.  
  
"Jack...this is your wedding day. I'm really sorry."  
  
I look at her and smile sadly. "Nothing means more to me than you, you should know that by now."  
  
When I first saw you  
  
I already knew  
  
There was something  
  
Inside of you  
  
Something I thought I'd never find  
  
Angel of mine  
  
I look at you  
  
Looking at me  
  
Now I know why they say the best things are free  
  
Gonna love you till the end of time  
  
Angle of mine  
  
What you mean to me  
  
You'll never know  
  
Deep inside I need to show  
  
You came into my life  
  
Sent from above  
  
Better than a dream  
  
Such a perfect love  
  
And I'll adore you till the end of time Angel of mine  
  
Nothing means more to me  
  
Than what we share  
  
No one in this whole world  
  
Could ever compare  
  
I lie awake  
  
You're still on my mind  
  
Angel of mine  
  
TBC.  
  
A/N: YOU DIDN'T REALLY THINK I'D LEAVE IT LIKE THAT DID YOU? COME OOOON THIS IS ME! More soon! 


	3. By Heart

**By Heart  
SJSJSJSJSJ**

**Gater101  
SJSJSJSJSJ  
  
"General! You have to let me do this!" I yelled at General Hammond as he sat on the safe side of his desk.  
  
"I'm sorry Major, you are personally involved in this mission I can't let you go," he replied through clenched teeth.   
  
"And what? Colonel O'Neill isn't? He treats my father like his own! I don't think it's very fair you're letting him go and not me! He is my father after all!" I pound the table to emphasise my point.   
  
"And that's part of the problem," he replies calmly.   
  
I can't believe he isn't letting me go on this mission to save my father. I thought he at least would have understood how much this means to me. He let me go to Netou and find him why not this time?   
  
"Why did you let me go to Sokar's planet and rescue him and not on this one?" I ask pulling my final straw. I look through the glass star chart that separates this office and the briefing room and see Jack looking out over the Stargate. I bet he had something to do with this.  
  
Tufts of grey stand protruding out in every direction and it is made worse when he runs his long fingers through it. His back is turned but I can see the frown of concentration on his forehead, see the cogs of his brain turning.   
  
"Going to Sokar's planet was different, Major and you know it." Hammond scolds and I wince at his tone.  
  
"Actually, sir, it wasn't. My father may or may not have been dead on that mission and it's exactly the same this time and don't try to tell me otherwise." I didn't like arguing with Hammond at all because he was like a father to me. But my own father was out there somewhere and he wasn't letting me go, so what do you expect?   
  
"It depends on what Colonel O'Neill has to say." At the mention of his name I turn to the man in question. I notice for the first time that he is still in his wedding suit and I wince. It is my fault that he is here after all.   
  
"Fine okay. Ask him," I slump down into the nearest chair and barely register Hammond walking to the door and telling Jack to enter.  
  
I glance at him as he sits down in the seat beside me but he avoids my gaze and I already know that he is not letting me go on this mission.  
  
"Sir, please." I whisper.  
  
"I'm sorry Carter I can't let on this mission." Can't let me or won't let me? I ask internally.  
  
I watch as he alternates his gaze from behind me to the General's desk. Never once looking at me.  
  
"Then the decision is final. Major you are to stay here for this mission." Hammond says as he shuffles papers on his desk.   
  
I sink back down into the hard plastic chair that creaks under the slightest weight and sigh, my anger long since dissipated like a fire being hosed upon. My defences were down and my mind was wandering to the possibility of my team going on a mission without me.  
  
I notice Jack looking at me from above as he towers over me in a non-threatening kind of way.   
  
"Carter? You coming?"   
  
I glance at him and nod pushing myself from the chair with an energy that I did not feel. A shiver runs down my spine as his hand touches my chiffon clad back.  
  
Still wearing your dress Sam.  
  
I walk slowly down the corridor passed officers who smile sympathetically at me and my anger suddenly seems to rise.   
  
"Leave me alone," I mutter to Jack and yank my body away from him.  
  
"Sam?" He says softly as he turns me around.  
  
"No, Colonel, leave me alone."   
  
I begin to walk hastily down the corridor towards my quarters leaving a trail of confused and startled SF's in my wake.  
  
The walk and elevator ride seems longer than normal as I try to get away from Jack.  
  
Finally the elevator pings on my floor and I exit into the much cooler air of the quarters floor. Breathing a sigh of relief I walk down the corridor at a snail's pace and breathing deeply trying to calm my breathing.  
  
"Sam, wait!" I tumble into Jack as he turns around the corridor heading away from my quarters. Suddenly I realize that he knows me too well, better than anyone has ever known me.   
  
"I'm going to lie down, sir, shouldn't you be getting ready for your mission?" I said coldly and pushed past him my left arm brushing his chest as he turned his side on me.  
  
"Sam, don't."  
  
Not answering I swing into the corridor and stop at the door to my quarters. I feel his presence behind me and have to fight against the urge to bang my head on the door.  
  
I yank the door open and pull him by the scruff of the neck inside the tiny cramped room. Without thinking I let him go and fling myself onto my still crumpled bed.  
  
For some strange reason I smell Jack's cologne on my covers but resign myself to the fact that he wasn't here when I needed him the most. The cinnamon smell fills my nose as I try to hide from it, taunting me of what I've lost.**

I breathe deeply through my mouth and sigh audibly.  
  
"...What's wrong?" I finally register that the man from my thoughts is standing in my bedroom on the day of his wedding asking me what is wrong.  
  
"Nothing," I say as I roll over to face him. I'm astonished to feel tears roll down my cheek in a big salty drip. I turn my head away from him to hide my face. Quickly scrubbing my face I barely register the slight dip of the bed as extra weight is added.  
  
I feel his hand on my lower back where it was when we were dancing.  
  
"Sam what's wrong?" He asks as he pulls my body around on the bed.  
  
Shaking my head furiously I try to pull away from him but he refuses to have any of it and pulls me closer.  
  
"Sam I know you. You never cry unless something is desperately wrong. You didn't even get like this last time Dad was missing." His eyes burn into me with an intensity that is both frightening and comforting.   
  
"At least then I was allowed to go after him." I mutter quietly but he hears.  
  
"I'm sorry Sam but you are emotionally involved. If you know me then you know I will get Dad back here one way or another." He tucks a stray hair behind my ear and I shiver against his gentle touch.  
  
"I do Jack. I know you will but I'd rather be there with you when you get him." I close my eyes against his and the burning sensation of fresh tears. "And you better stop calling him that." I say as he pulls my body against his chest.   
  
"Calling him what?" He says confused as he strokes my hair gently rubbing his hands through the short strands.  
  
"Dad," I whisper sleep pulling me into its dark mirages.  
  
"Why? Does it bother you?"  
  
I shake my head. "Not me."  
  
He is silent for a long time then I feel him nod as he understands my reasoning.  
  
"It doesn't mean I can't call him Dad."  
  
I nod against his chest and mutter into his now damp shirt.  
  
"I know you...by heart." Before sleep pulls me that last nanometre into darkness.  
  
_Hold me close  
  
Baby please  
  
Tell me anything but that your gonna leave  
  
As I kiss these fallen tears  
  
I promise you I will be here  
  
Until the stars fall from the sky  
  
Until I find a reason why  
  
And darling as the years go by  
  
Until there's no tears left to cry  
  
Until the angels close my eyes  
  
And even if we're worlds apart  
  
I'll find my way back to you  
  
By heart  
  
When you go  
  
I'll stop the clock  
  
I won't ever let this moment stop  
  
Time is stealing you from me  
  
But it can never take this memory  
_  
  
"Sam!" A familiar voice followed by a loud thump-thump on my door rouses me from my slumber.   
  
Turning over to get out the bed I freeze as I come face-to-face with one asleep Jack O'Neill. I glance at my waist and notice his arms wrapped tightly around me, a contented smile on his face.  
  
"Sam! Are you in there!?" Jonas calls louder this time no doubt receiving strange glances from members of the SGC.  
  
"Yes, I'm here!" I say as loudly as quietly possible.   
  
I wince as Jack stirs and looks down at me a smile forming on his face his eyes still glazed from sleep. His hair is sticking up in all different directions and I reach up to touch it, to flatten it down but he puts a hand on my arm effectively stopping me and I get lost in his eyes that hold so much.  
  
"Sam, have you seen Colonel O'Neill?" Jonas sounds slightly agitated probably because he's talking to me through a door.  
  
"I'm here Jonas. What do you want?" Jack says after several moments of silence.  
  
"Oh...oh." There was a slight hesitation in his voice and I smile. "Um, we're getting ready to… for the mission...so um maybe you'd like to get ready with us?"   
  
Jack groans as he throws a leg of my bed and it lands with a thump as his boot bangs off the floor. He turns to me and smiles.  
  
"If I go out there and he's smiling...so help me God..."   
  
He moves over to the door and pulls it open with force and it bangs back against his side.  
  
"Ouch...what did you want Jonas?"   
  
"Are you coming to get ready for the mission? We leave in thirty."  
  
"I'm coming, I'm coming."   
  
He turns to me, pauses, and then turns back to Jonas.  
  
"Give me a minute. I'll get you down at the locker room."  
  
Jonas knowing better than to complain nodded and smiled then turned and left. Jack closed the door and came and sat on the bed beside me.  
  
"Anything in particular you want me to say to Dad when we find him?"   
  
I smile at his optimistic point of view. We both know there is a huge chance that Dad is dead but he refuses to believe it, much like always.  
  
"Just...tell him I love him for me."  
  
"Will do." He stands up and walks to the door and I sigh as I roll back over. "Well...have fun."  
  
I turn back around and look him straight in the eye as he leans against the doorjamb.  
  
"You too."   
  
I'm not sure whether he caught my double meaning but the smile I received makes me think he did.  
  
He opens the door still holding my gaze, still smiling slightly. Finally he breaks eye contact and closes the door quietly.  
  
I just slept with Jack. Maybe not slept as in slept with, but fell asleep in his arms. I can't remember when we have ever been as comfortable with each other enough to fall asleep in each other's arms. Sighing deeply I smell his cologne again only stronger this time. It's wrapped around me like a glass in bubble wrap. Licking my lips I taste his body and almost picture him sleeping beside me snoring slightly, his breath whisping my hair. I rub my hand over where his arms were wrapped around me and realise that they still burn. I still feel the weight of it across my hips.  
  
A heat rises from the pit of my stomach as I imagine his hands on other places of my body, caressing, kissing, and loving me. I slide further into the world that no one knows about and moan against the feeling of pleasure in my groin.  
  
Biting down on the covers I moan deeply as I rub a hand over the piece of anatomy in question. I recognise this feeling, really recognise it as the many times he has been laying close to me offworld. Close enough to reach out and touch his handsome features.  
  
I close my eyes for a few minutes dreaming about him and the ext thing I hear is the loud rumble of the 'Gate activating.  
  
"Has it been half an hour already?"  
  
I fling the covers off my body and run a hand through my hair while rushing past everyone on my way to the Gateroom.  
  
I arrive just as the seventh chevron locks and as Jack turns to the control room where I am forced to watch from.   
  
"Bring him home men." Hammond says over the intercom.  
  
SG units 1,3,4 and 5 turn and salute Hammond and myself and begin filing up the ramp.  
  
"God speed, son." Hammond says to the only remaining member of the rescue team in the Gateroom: Jack.  
  
He stares at me a serious look in his eyes before nodding and jogging up the ramp.  
  
I watch as he disappears through the glistening event horizon and I sigh loudly catching Hammond's attention.  
  
"They'll find him Sam." He assures.  
  
"I know, sir. By heart." I mumble and walk out of the control room towards the quarters I had just vacated.  
  
I can't believe that they've gone without me.  
  
I open the door to my quarters and lock it from the inside. I look to my laptop computer sitting on the edge of my desk inviting me to use it.  
  
Ignoring it I lie back on the bed and fall into a much-needed sleep.


	4. Author's notes

A/N:  
  
All chapters from now on will be Sam's POV. So don't worry if you think you've missed something! It will be explained later.   
  
This story has taken a drastic turn from the norm as it was supposed to end after chapter 1! But! As I like my fans to be happy I continued it so it takes me ages to come up with the right description for this! That's why Chapter 3/4 took so long.  
  
BTW! Why have people given up on reviewing? As you know they make me type faster!   
  
Aaaaaaaand! Scullyslayer! If you read this! This is for you! Since you begged and BTW I love your Fic as well! Keep it going!  
  
  
  
Laura!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	5. Waiting

Waiting  
  
S+J+S+J+S+J+S+J Gater101  
  
S+J+S+J+S+J+S+J  
  
  
  
It's the waiting I hate. Every second passes like hours as I sit watching the silent Stargate, the portal that will bring him home, either alive or dead. Waiting, waiting, waiting.  
  
Hammond comes into the control room and smiles at me sadly his eyes a mixture of composure and worry with a hint of regret shining in them. What's he's regretting I don't know but it's there.  
  
"Why don't you go get some rest, Major? It could be a while before they get back. After all they have only been gone for an hour." He says as he stands at my side.  
  
"I realise that, sir. I can't sleep. I slept before they left and can't fall over again." I smile at him just as sadly.  
  
My father was - is- his best friend, they've known each other for years and have grown even closer since the Stargate Programme and Dad was implanted with a Tok'ra symbiote.  
  
It's their fault he's in this situation; they are the reason why I am in such a state. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust the Tok'ra again after this, even though I know it's not their fault. First there was Jolinar then Jack/Kanan thing and now this. It will take a lot for me to respect them again.  
  
I feel a slight pressure on my arm and turn back around and look at Hammond intently waiting for his lecture.  
  
"I think you should at least go home, rest."  
  
I shake my head negatively before he's even finished his sentence.  
  
"No, sir. I'd rather stay here. Is there something I can do for you?"  
  
Hammond looked indecisive then he smiled slightly realising that, yes, there was something I could do for him. I smiled at him politely, wondering what he wanted me to do.  
  
"I have yet to inform Angela that Jack has been called on a mission, any chance you could do that for me?"  
  
The smile on my face froze then fell. He wants me to call Jack's wife? Someone who completely and utterly hates me?  
  
"Of course Sir. If you would just give me the contact number?" I say with a military preciseness that could bend Anubis sideways.  
  
"I'm assuming that she is still at the reception. I'll get the number for you. If she isn't there just ask them where she went."  
  
"Yessir." I nod and he walks away.  
  
I stare out at the heart of the complex, at the reason why I am sitting here waiting.  
  
I've been waiting a long time  
  
For this moment to come  
  
I'm destined  
  
For anything...at all  
  
Downtown lights will be shining  
  
On me like a new diamond  
  
Ring out under the midnight hour  
  
No one can touch me now  
  
And I can't turn my back  
  
It's too late ready or not at all  
  
"Major, I have that number for you. Would you like to use my office?" Hammond's voice sounds behind me snapping me out of my reverie.  
  
I look back down at the Stargate before turning and taking the piece of paper from Hammond.  
  
"Thank you, sir. I shan't be long."  
  
Hammond's looks at me for a long second and I feel naked under his intense scrutiny then his eyes soften and he places a reassuring hand on my shoulder.  
  
"It'll be okay." He pauses for a second and I smile at his overall knowledge on everything. "They'll find him." He smiles adding the last part on as an after thought.  
  
I wander into Hammond's office and realise that in the thousands of times I have been here never have I been so nervous. I can practically feel the blood chugging through my veins, literally feel my heart pounding in my chest.  
  
I slide into the soft leather of his chair and sigh at the smell of newness emanating from it; the old one was wearing thin around the edges. I pick up the black phone that is situated to the left of the Red Phone; the SGC's link to the president - can't I pick that one up instead?  
  
When did it suddenly get so hot in here? I peel the soaked black T-shirt from my body and it falls back into place with an audible plop. Realising that the phone is still asking me to dial in the number.  
  
I look at the piece of paper in front of me and notice with a small amount of annoyance that some of the words are smudged but not enough so I can't see them. I press the numbers into the phone and sit back as the line is connected and starts making that doot doot noise.  
  
"Good evening this is Francis speaking how may I be of assistance?" A polite voice asked me from the other side of the line.  
  
"I was wondering if the Angela Trungsten was still present at the reception." I said my voice sounding more confident than I felt.  
  
"I'm sorry ma'am the Bride has already left the reception, she should be at her hotel. I could give you the number if you wish?"  
  
I hear paper shuffle and realise I don't even need to speak and he is giving me the number.  
  
He recites the number to me and I scribble it on a piece of yellow sticky paper.  
  
"May I ask your name ma'am?" He asked a little belatedly.  
  
"Yes." I reply.  
  
There is a long silence and he realises I'm not giving my name. I hear him sigh as he realises his mistake.  
  
"Well, good night ma'am." He sighs and the dead tone tells me that he has hung up.  
  
Smiling brightly, feeling a little happier than I should I pick the phone back up and dial the number without hesitation because I know if I do I'll back out and I can't back out.  
  
I hear the doot-doot tone again and look out through the starchart and find Hammond's watching me closely. I smile at him enthusiastically and turn away beginning to loose my nerve as the call is connected.  
  
"Good evening, Linsay speaking may I take your name and message please?" A male voice asks and I sigh defeatedly knowing my plan isn't going to work this time.  
  
"This is Major Carter, USAF. I'd like to speak with Miss Trungsten please." I say as politely and as confidently as possible in my situation.  
  
"May I ask the reason why?" He asks a little peeved that I didn't tell him before.  
  
"I'm not at liberty to say." I reply crisply using all my military training to stop my voice from shaking.  
  
"I'll put you through." His voice has taken on a new edge and I roll my eyes. It must be the new generation I muse as I wait for the call to be answered.  
  
"Hello?" She asks a little enthusiastically. "Jack?" I cringe at the cheeriness in her voice but continue none the less.  
  
"Sorry, this is Major Carter from NORAD. I'm calling about Colonel O'Neill." I say and her voice comes back cold like ice.  
  
"Sam." She says icily and I shiver involuntarily.  
  
"Miss Trungsten-" I begin but am instantly cut off.  
  
"Mrs O'Neill." She corrects.  
  
I hesitate a grin forming on my face.  
  
"Angela I'm calling to tell you that Colonel O'Neill won't be able to accompany you on your honeymoon. He has been called out on an important mission."  
  
There is a long silence and if I didn't know better I'd say she hung up on me.  
  
"He's gone to find your father hasn't he?"  
  
Once again I grimace at the cold edge her voice has when she's talking to me. I wonder what she was thinking when I was dancing with him, when he was holding me closely...what she would think if she found out I slept with him.  
  
"Yes he has. You may not appreciate this but my father is a valuable asset to our base and that of others."  
  
"Oh but of course! And the fact that he is *your* father makes him even more important doesn't it?" She shouts at me down the phone.  
  
"I'm sorry I don't know what you mean." I say after a few moments of shocked silence.  
  
"Why are you not with them? Maybe your pregnant is that it?" She accuses and I blink several times before my brain registers what she's saying.  
  
"What? No!" I squeal loudly and I spin around to see Hammond staring at me puzzled.  
  
"Did Jack not let you go?" She says and I hear the smugness in her voice.  
  
"As a matter of fact Colonel O'Neill didn't let me go for my own safety." I realise that this wasn't the direction this conversation was supposed to go in.  
  
"Ah, of course. You're emotionally involved."  
  
I sigh and nod even though she can't see me. I rub a hand through my hair then pull it down over my face barely restraining from groaning.  
  
"Is Jack away yet? Or is he just getting you to do the dirty work?" She says her voice never melting.  
  
"Colonel O'Neill left just over an hour ago." I grimace as I realise I walked right into that one.  
  
"And this is you just letting me know! I have been waiting here for over five hours for him to at least *call* when really he can't." Her voice rises again and I pull the phone away from my ear before I even realise what I'm doing. Scoffing I pull it back to my ear just in time to hear the end of her tyrant. "- Little fantasy world!"  
  
I pull back further into the chair wondering whose or what fantasy world she was talking about.  
  
"Excuse me? I didn't quite catch that." I say my voice just above a whisper as my throat catches in my throat.  
  
"You and Jack! You both live in this big fantasy world where everything is fine and dandy when everyone knows it isn't!" She repeats and for some strange reason I find myself breathing a sigh of relief.  
  
"Angela-"  
  
"That's Mrs O'Neill to you," she says dangerously and I decide to heed her warnings.  
  
"As much as I'm enjoying this I do have other things to attend to so if you'll excuse me I'll concentrate on trying to bring my father back."  
  
Without waiting for a response I hang up breathing deeply regretting my actions instantly.  
  
"You handled that better than I'd at first expected." A familiar voice sounded behind me but when I turned there was no one there.  
  
"God Daniel. What have I been doing?"  
  
I dig my nails into the hard arm of the seat pushing myself up my body protesting wearily.  
  
Leaving the office I nod to Hammond and continue on down to my lab where I find my laptop sitting ready to be used gazing at me.  
  
"Fine! Okay! If you'll pass the time quickly that's enough for me."  
  
I sit down and begin typing up a couple of reports of SG-1's latest missions.  
  
Three hours later Janet wandered into my lab a small smile on her face.  
  
"I thought I'd find you here." She says through a smile glancing over at my shoulder. "Been busy I see," I hear the smile in her voice and grin myself.  
  
"Solitaire, keeps the mind busy." I grin falsely.  
  
"That's why you were looking bored stiff when I walked in?" I nod grimly and look back at my screen. "What's wrong?"  
  
What's wrong!? Where does she want me to start? Well for starters my father is missing, the man I love just got married, aforementioned male gone to find the aforementioned father. But that's not the beginning is it? Not really. There my mother and the day she died, causing that rift in my family.  
  
Thinking about it, I remember I haven't called Mark to tell him Dad is missing. Oh yeah! I can imagine that! 'Oh by the way, Mark, Dad's missing probably dead you can't do anything cause where he is is classified.' Like that's going to go down well!  
  
I lean back and wish the ground would swallow me up whole because Janet is looking at me pityingly.  
  
"Sam, what's wrong?" She asks and leans across to touch my arm.  
  
"Where do you want me to start?" I say grimly. "I had to call Angela." I say and lean back stretching.  
  
Janet winces and looks away towards the now blank computer screen.  
  
"She accused me of living in a fantasy world where everything was perfect."  
  
"She's just jealous because you get to see O'Neill everyday." Janet says forcefully.  
  
"But she gets to see him every night." I remind her.  
  
"Sam...don't do this to yourself."  
  
"He came to see me before he went away." I say letting my mind wander to the way he held me in his arms. So protective. He held me the way he holds is P-90; close to him and safe.  
  
"Oh?" Janet says and leans forward.  
  
I sigh regretting saying anything.  
  
"He...we slept." I mutter.  
  
"Sam! You didn't sleep with him did you!?"  
  
I snap my head up and gawk at her as though she had grown two heads.  
  
"What! No!" I say mimicking my words to Angela earlier. "No, we just...fell asleep. It was so hard to let him go. I told him, not in so many words but I told him."  
  
There is a long silence then I feel Janet's arms around me and feel the burn of tears at the back of my eyes.  
  
"Oh Sam, why do you do this to yourself?"  
  
My body shakes violently as the sobs reverberate through me releasing the emotions from the past several hours.  
  
A half hour later Janet leaves my office again to work on some biological samples SG-19 brought back from some planet.  
  
I put my head on the desk and sigh.  
  
Waiting, I hate the waiting.  
  
  
  
I've been waiting a long time  
  
For this moment to come  
  
I'm destined  
  
For anything...at all  
  
Downtown lights will be shining  
  
On me like a new diamond  
  
Ring out under the midnight hour  
  
No one can touch me now  
  
And I can't turn my back  
  
It's too late ready or not at all  
  
I'm so much closer than  
  
I have ever known...  
  
Wake up! 


	6. Miss you

__

Miss you

S+J+S+J+S+J+S+J+S

__

Gater101

S+J+S+J+S+J+S+J+S

The world around me was dark except for the faint glow creeping under the cracks in the door. The room was cold and empty feeling but it was home for tonight. The pillow had a strange unknown smell that seemed achingly familiar but my mind refused to acknowledge what it is.

General Hammond had sent me to my quarters a few hours ago ordering me to get some sleep or he would have me escorted home. Janet had given me a sedative but that had worn off an hour or so ago. Ever since I noticed the smell from the sheets on the bed my mind had refused to let me sleep but also refused to acknowledge what the smell was. It seemed to like taunting me, almost telling me the name then chasing it away whenever I would get close to identifying it.

God I miss Jack so much…that's it! That's the smell! Remnant of his aftershave and the smell that is distinctly *him* only worn away a little by time. He's half way across the galaxy and still he manages to keep me awake.

__

I can't sleep, I just can't breathe

When your shadow is all over me baby

I roll onto my back and pull the cover under my chin and slide further into its warmth hoping to get at least a few hours sleep in these impossible circumstances.

I wonder if they have dad yet or if they had been captured as well. I wish Daniel were here to tell me everything is going to be okay. Don't get me wrong Janet's a great friend but she just isn't Daniel. I can't imagine how she must be feeling since Daniel took his leave, I think she took it worst. 

Sighing I throw the covers off my body and swing my legs over the edge of the bed realising my senses won't allow me to get anymore sleep. I look down at my sleeping clothes and decide to change into clean BDU's before going to see Hammond.

I saunter over to the cupboard and pull out a clean shirt and T-shirt, then move to a drawer to retrieve trousers that don't smell like Jack. Pulling them on I look into the mirror and notice my tear stained face and decide to wash my face. So I move into the chilly bathroom and splash some ice cold water on my face then pull my hands through my hair. It feels greasy and limp but thankfully the length of it stopped it from being noticeable. 

I drag my feet along the floor as I make my way to the door and slowly I pull it open letting it creak loudly. The airman Janet posted outside my door is asleep and looks as though he has been for some time. I smother a smile and inch past him careful not to bump him in the cramped corridor. When I'm a safe distance away from him I pick up speed ad jog down to my lab where I know I can get some peace.

I turn the corner and straight into my lab and from the deep bowels within the SGC the klaxon's sound. The red light illuminates the walls and the siren blare over the speakers, shortly followed by the on-duty sergeant shouting for all defence teams to the gateroom.

I rush down the corridor along with the mass of Airmen who are ready for almost anything. I cut through them as I reach the opening for the control room and jump up the steps two at a time. Hammond is standing behind the sergeant on the chair an uneasy look on his face. His eyebrows are knitted together and his lips are pressed firmly in place. His eyes are the give away, they always have been, and he's worried. He steps back and motions towards the screen once he notices me. I look at the screen and notice with undisguised horror the people begging on the other side of the 'Gate claiming that they lost the GDO. 

The figure that is Jonas moved away and Hammond ordered the iris open. I close my eyes and take a deep breath praying that we have it open in time. A few seconds drag along and then finally the familiar thud of boots on the metal ramp fills my ears. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…

I wait for the eighth but there is none. Seven footsteps. Seven people. That's how many people left. They don't have my father.

I open my eyes and look down my eyes growing wide when I notice my father standing at the bottom of the ramp staring up at the control room, at me. My eyes search the other faces but he isn't there. Jack isn't there. In the background the Gate snaps shut confirming my fears. Jack didn't come back. 

I follow Hammond as he runs from the room and down to the Gateroom in a rush to find out what happened. He didn't come back. How could he not have come back?

Feeling nauseous and slightly off balance I rush into the gateroom and stumble over Jonas who has collapsed to the ground in a massive exhausted heap and land in the arms of my father.

He wraps his arms tightly around me and kisses my hair. Burying my head in his shoulder I mumble incomprehensible words about him being back. 

"Sam," he pushes me away from him and wipes away some stray tears. "I'm so sorry." Tears make their way down both our faces ad he pulls me to him, crushing my body to his.

I want to ask him what the hell happened. I want to know what sort of torture he went through…I want to know why Jack didn't come back. 

For the second time in almost as many days I allow myself to be overcome by wells of tears and sob uncontrollably into my father's shoulder. His grip on me loosens and he pulls back again only to pull me back into a death grip. 

"Jacob!" Hammond's voice breaks through the barrier we have unconsciously created together and we both pull back simultaneously. "Jacob," Hammond makes his way through the swarms of people in the gateroom – AF's, medical's, everyone. "What happened? Where is Colonel O'Neill?" 

Dad looks at me and then to Hammond a grave look appearing on his face. 

"I don't think this is the place, the briefing room? We'll de-brief you there." He says stoically and moves away towards Jonas and Teal'c. 

Hammond looks at me a knowing look in his eyes that I know is reflected in my own. It can't be good. If he doesn't want to tell us here then it can't be good. I glance over to where he stands talking with Jonas and Teal'c and Jonas sends me a sad smile and a half wave, whereas Teal'c simply nods his head and moves away following my father who won't even look at me.

Definitely a bad thing. 

__

I can't sleep, I just can't breathe

When your shadow is all over me baby

Don't wanna be a fool in your eyes

'Cause what we had was built on lies

And when our love seems to fade away

Listen to me here what I say

I don't wanna feel the way that I do

I just wanna be right here with you

I don't wanna see, see us apart

I just wanna say it straight from the heart

What would it take, for you to see

To make you understand that I'll always believe

You and I can make it through

And I still know I can't get over you

****

Author's notes: Sorry this chapter is so short! The next part will be better and fuller and longer! Believe me! I have half of it written already! And guess what!!!!! Clarins (my muse) is back! Well most of him anyway! The part (the purple fire part) that makes me right long pieces is still developing through the letterbox! Woohoo! 


	7. I would die for you

__

I would die for you

****

S+J+S+J+S+J+S+J+S

__

Gater101

****

S+J+S+J+S+J+S+J+S

I stare at my father through a haze of tears that gather unbidden into my eyes after I heard that Jack… I wipe at the few stray tears that escaped my eyes. I look across at Teal'c who has his eyes downcast but I can tell he wants to add something.

I place my head on my folded arms that rest on the desk and breathe deeply causing the dark wood to steam up under my mouth.

"MajorCarter," I look up as Teal'c speaks my name. His face is betraying so much emotion much like he had when Daniel died. "O'Neill wished me to tell you only one thing." I close my eyes and want to tell him to stop, not here - in front of Hammond. But I don't because I know he needs to say this as much as I need to hear it. He takes a deep breath before continuing. "He wished me to tell you that he would die for you."

I let out a choked sob and bite my bottom lip to stop it trembling but no force on Earth could stop the tears form forming in my eyes.

My dad stands and moves behind me and puts a hand on my shoulder in an effort to comfort me but I shrug him off not wanting his comfort. Jack loved me so much that he would give his life for me? For my father? Thinking about what he told me I should have guessed he would risk his life to get him back, he practically told me that he would die to get him back. He would 'do whatever it takes'.

__

I have never seen this kind of love

The kind that won't wash away

And then leave you in the dark

I would die for you

I would die for you

I would die...

For you

I thump the desk and push my chair back causing my father to stumble backwards. I need to get out of here, need to get away from the prying eyes of Hammond, of the pity in Jonas' eyes…from the despair on Teal'c's face.

I watch Hammond watch me as the tears flow from my eyes burning my cheeks and my neck as they seep down the front of my black T-shirt I had so recently put on. Surely he must know? If he didn't know before surely he knows now? 

I grab the rail on the stair so as not to fall as I hastily descend two steps at a time narrowly missing Sergeant Siler. The corridor seems empty and behind me I hear the thud-thud of boots as someone follows me. Turning left at the end of the corridor I jump into the elevator when the doors open and turn just in time to see my father squeeze past the few people who exited the elevator. I jab the button for the quarter's floor several times and the doors finally close just as Dad reaches them but he's too late. I send him a half smile and hope he understands.

After a few seconds I hit the emergency stop button and slump down against the back of the car letting the sobs of emotions take over me. If Angela loves him even half as much as I do then what will she go through…Angela! Oh God I completely forgot about her…I'm sure General Hammond will take care of her. 

After several minutes I stand and wipe my eyes on the sleeve of my T-shirt and pull the button back out and there is a slight jolt as the car starts again. I watch the numbers as they take an eternity to pass and indicate I am on my floor. When they do I step out the elevator and into Major Paul Davis. He sends me a half smile, which I return with no enthusiasm. Is this how it's going to be? No familiar banter? No happy jokes about the latest discovery? 

I walk towards my quarters but make a by-way for my lab. I can't stand to smell him on my bed covers, on me…on my life. The lab is cool and I fall into the seat and watch the screensaver dance happily across my monitor. I sit and wait for him to come bounding through the door and ask me what my latest discovery is, what I did on my downtime…but he doesn't and I can't help but feel the air being sucked from my lungs. 

__

I never kissed a sweeter mouth

I've never been swept away

It's what dreams are made for love

Don't you know I could not survive?

Without you in my life

I would die for you

I would die for you

I would die...

For you

I sit up when there is a soft knock on the doorframe and I see Jonas standing with two cups of coffee in his hand. I smile at him and accept the proffered cup after I wipe my tear stained face. He looks at me with a smile and scratches his eyebrow. 

"What happened?" I ask out of the blue, surprising both Jonas and myself. I hadn't expected to ask the question so soon and from the looks of it neither had Jonas.

He pauses and takes a sip of coffee then puts it on the table.

"Ba'al…he said he would trade for your father. We readily agreed of course but at the time we thought he meant technology." I close my eyes and shake my head. Of course he didn't mean technology. "He gave us Jacob the made his deal…one of us. Of course we weren't about to give ourselves up to the enemy." When had Jonas started sounding so military? "But when it came apparent that there was no way we were getting out of there any other way Colonel O'Neill said he would go."

I stare at him with wide disbelieving eyes. 

"And you let him go!?" I shout and pound the table causing the coffee cups to jump.

"No! No of course we put up a fight! But he ordered us to leave. He pulled Teal'c aside and told him something - obviously what Teal'c told you in the briefing room. Sam I'm really sorry."

A glimmer of hope rises in my chest and I smile ever so slightly. 

"But you don't know if he's dead or not. That has to be something. He could still be out there Jonas, we have to help him." I demand and don't even listen to him as he tries to tell me otherwise. 

"Sam listen to me. There was no way he would have survived. The only reason your father is as healthy as he is, is because he was placed in a sarcophagus when we retrieved him. There is no way Colonel O'Neill made it out…I'm sorry."

Jonas has tears in his eyes and I can tell that I am edging on hysterical but I need this hope, because without it I am nothing! I'd have nothing to live for; I have to get out of here.

I make a dash for the door and run out of the lab in a blurry of colour and imaginary dust. Making my way back to the elevator I wonder idly how many times I have ridden this car, and how many times I have ridden it with Jack. 

I ride up to top level and get out and pass the guard without signing out, I'm not going far and I hope he has the sense not to follow. The crisp night air chills me to the bone, so very different from the lovely autumn weather that had graced the city a few days before. The sky is clear as I make my way to my car - I'd left it there the day before the wedding and Hammond had ridden me home so I could drink at the wedding - and to the sanctuary of peace and quiet. 

My cheeks are frozen by the time I am halfway through the parking lot and matters are made worse when I hear a familiar - down right **patronising - **voice. 

"It's your entire fault you realise that!?" Angela said from somewhere in the parking lot, probably beside Jack's car, which is parked next to mine. 

Ignoring her and hoping she'll get fed up with speaking to me, I put the key in the lock and open the door. A light but forceful hand lands on my shoulder and pulls me around before pressing me back up against the car. 

"Are you listening to me!?" Angela screamed in my face and I was struck by a strong stench of alcohol. 

"Miss Trungsten-" I begin.

"Mrs *O'Neill*" She cuts in.

"Please release me or I will have to call security." I say forcefully but she laughs at me. Did she find this situation funny? How can she laugh at a time like this? Is she crazy?

"I'd like to see you try," she hisses in my ear and when she pulls back I see the evil grin on her face.

I begin to wonder if she is sane. I always knew she was a bitch but this is taking it to extremes. For the first time in months I see true evil and I shiver involuntarily - much to Angela's pleasure. 

"You know it's true. You can't lie to me, hell you can't even lie to yourself!" She smiles as I narrow my eyes at her. "I used to think it was cute, you know you and Jack? The way you both tried to pretend that there was nothing going on between you? And now? Now it's just pathetic, a sad little world where you can escape to. If he loved you as much as you both think he does then why did he marry me? Why is it me that he chose and not you? Because he can have me, *me*! And *you* are just his little puppy dog."

I close my eyes after realising she is no longer looking at me. Is this true? Is it possible that I have been so wrapped up in my own emotions that I didn't see him draw back? Is Angela right?

She steps up to me again the smell of alcohol freshened on her breath - she obviously has a bottle here with her. I open my eyes and find myself looking straight into her green eyes. 

"Now, I want you to do just one thing for me," she traces a finger over my shirt and I shiver. "I want you to bring him home for me. Bring him home to *me*." She turned abruptly and left leaving me gaping at her.

Taking a deep breath I decide against staying out here any longer. I have to bring him home, whether it's for me or for him I have to. Alive or dead loving me or not.

__

I have never seen this kind of love

The kind that won't wash away

And then leave you in the dark

I would die for you

I would die for you

I would die...

For you

I never kissed a sweeter mouth

I've never been swept away

It's what dreams are made for love

Don't you know I could not survive?

Without you in my life

I would die for you

I would die for you

I would die...

For you

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah Yeah Yeah

I have never seen this kind of love

The kind that won't slip away

Yes I'm searing through your heart

Don't you know I could not survive

Without you in my life

I would die for you

I would die for you

I would die...

For you

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah Yeah Yeah

I would die for you

I would die for you

I would die for you

I would die for you

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah Yeah

Die for you

I would die for you


	8. Never give up on me

****

Never give up on me

__

S+J+S+J+S+J+S+J

****

Gater101

__

S+J+S+J+S+J+S+J

"You're slowly killing yourself," Janet said to me as I sit across from her in my lab looking at a spread of results from my latest tests. "It's Edorra all over again."

I freeze in my shuffling through papers and look up at her. My tired eyes take a few seconds to focus and I shake my head causing my longer than normal hair to stir in the breeze.

"You're wrong. This is so completely different, you have no idea. I'm not bringing him back for me, I'm bringing him back for Angela." I look back down at the papers in my hand as fresh tears form in my eyes.

"For Angela… Sam, you don't have to bring him back alone. Let someone help you," Janet pleads with me.

I shake my head and press my lips together and try desperately not to sniff. I feel an arm wrap around my waist and I can only wish it were Jack's arm and not Janet's. My face becomes wet meaning the tears I had been trying to stop from falling were actually falling despite my attempts.

"I promised…I promised him I would never give…never give up on him again… after Edorra, he made me promise…and then Angela…" I stop speaking and allow the tears to fall and allowing Janet to comfort me.

__

Never give up on me

I will never give up on you

You're everything I need

Oh just look at what we've been through

So far so good 

Letting myself be comforted was probably the wisest decision I had made since I started out on my pledge to bring Jack back. Hard sobs shook my body violently, making my shoulders rise and fall with every breath. Janet's comforting words were barely registering in my mind but I knew that they were there; they always were when something like this happened to one of the team – especially Jack. 

For some reason it wasn't enough, it wasn't enough for me to be able to go back to work and be the fighter that everyone wanted me to be. All I wanted to do – still – was cry and crawl under my bed covers and forget that I have responsibilities, forget I'm supposed to be doing all I can to bring him back… But I don't. 

I pull back from Janet and wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt.

"I think I should get back to what I was doing," I tell Janet and pick up random objects from the desktop but a firm grip on my wrist stops me.

"No Sam, not today, just wait until tomorrow," Janet pleads with me and I nod, surprising Janet but not myself.

I need this, I need this time off but I wouldn't have taken it had Janet not been here to tell me otherwise. I would have continued finding nothing and I would have continued hating myself for it, continued to belittle myself for being so useless.

"You need rest Sam, take a week-" Janet begins but my sharp pointed look stops her. "Ok, three days off, and then come back and see what you make of what you have here," Janet sweeps an arm around the room indicating the work I had been doing over the past week. 

"Ok." 

I walk out of the small room leaving Janet to switch off all the machines – hopefully correctly – and lock up. It takes several minutes for the elevator car to arrive but when it does it is empty and I am thankful. I don't want anyone to see me like this; I don't want anyone to think that I have given up when I so totally have not.

__

Never give up on me

I will never give up on you

You're everything I need

Oh just look at what we've been through

I love you 

The chill night air bites at my bare arms and face and causes me to shiver slightly. I wander over to my car which Teal'c had been nice enough to bring to the base for me after I had realised I had no way to get home after Jack had brought me here after the wedding.

Jack. The wedding. Angela. 

I had promised her I would keep her updated about any progress I had made… but I hadn't made any so there was nothing to tell. Thinking about Angela brought goose bumps out on my skin. I was not afraid of *her*, I was afraid of the way she could make me feel about myself.

Climbing into my silver Volvo I start the engine and flick the air-conditioning to hot and drive out of the base giving no hesitation. 

= = = = 

As I draw closer and closer to my home the small fine hairs on the back of my neck begin to rise causing me some degree of discomfort but mostly they make me more alert. Pulling into my dark, wet drive – the rain had started just I pulled out of the base – I notice how the windows of my house seem darker than normal as if they were blacked out to… black out the Sun during the day – even though it was night now. 

I sit silently in my car for a few moments then slowly open the door. I am met by the strong scent of charred wood – the Morgan's must have had a barbecue earlier in the evening. I move slowly to the front door whilst fishing the keys from my trouser pocket wishing that I had brought some sort of weapon with me. The hairs on my neck were sending rapid messages to my brain to make me turn back and climb into my car and drive off.

But for some reason I keep going – it *is* my house after all – and navigate my way through debris that seems to have gathered in my front garden. Everything was layered in a thin layer of dust…how can a garden be covered in dust? 

I hesitate before reaching out and grasping onto the brass doorknob, which chills my hand even more. I slip my key into the lock and turn it only to find that the door is already open…surely I wouldn't have left the door open. 

I slowly turn the knob and the door creaks open much like something from a horror movie. I push against the door when it jambs and I take a step into the hallway and freeze at the site before me.

The walls are covered in back soot, there is no ceiling just big gaping holes with insulating hanging from the floorboards which are visible. Everywhere I look there is some sort of destruction. 

Fire. My house was on fire. 

I force my feet to move and walk slowly towards what was once my living room. After my first step I stop again and take a deep breath preparing myself before-

"What are you doing here?" 

I'm not alone.


	9. My Immortal

__

My Immortal

****

+++++++

Gater101

****

+++++++

I turn towards the voice and see an overweight man in a police uniform. His hair is wispy around the edges and his large belly hangs over his utility belt. 

"This is my house, it should be me asking such questions," I said through a false smile. 

The man looked closely at my face and took a step forward.

"Miss Carter? Are you Miss Carter?" He asked suddenly throwing his hand towards me and gripped mine and shook violently.

"Yes, that's me" I muttered uncomfortably, trying unsuccessfully to pry my hand from his grip.

Realising I was uncomfortable with his latest gesture the man loosened his grip and my hand fell limply to my side. My hand was now wet from sweat passed on from the man.

"Detective Larry Holmes," he said by way of introduction. "We tried contacting you at your stated place of work but…well we couldn't reach you. This is your house now Miss Carter burnt to a crisp. We really shouldn't be here, if you would like to step outside?" The burly man asked but placed a hand on my waist ushering me out.

"Pardon me, Sir, but why are *you* in my house? Why are you hanging around my house?" I asked as I stepped over pieces of burnt carpet and passed the large oak bookcase where I had kept all my journals. 

Detective Holmes smiled slightly and shook his head.

"This has been my post for the past few days, watching out for your return, I was parked just down from your drive I'm surprised you didn't see me," he continued on answering more than the question I had asked.

Outside the rain still hadn't let up and I hunched my shoulders in order to let the rain run off them instead of under the thin T-shirt I was wearing. My skin was moist from the falling drops and my hair was plastered against my scalp and I could imagine what my face would look like with little rivers trickling down it.

"How did the fire start? When?" I asked suddenly, not giving a second thought to the rain that was tumbling from the sky.

"Well… it was a few days ago miss, twenty second November – yes that's the one. Yes, the twenty second. Four days ago. We've been trying to contact you since then. We tried the base where you work – no one had heard of you. We tried your father's house – no answer, your brother had no clue where you could be." He smiled sadly at me when I flinched at his use of the word 'brother'. 

I hated lying to Mark about my job but he would never know what it was like, never understand why I did what I did.

"How did it start?" I ask again.

He swallowed slightly and then looked at the ground.

"Someone out a petrol bomb through your letter box, a kid probably but it caused a lot of destruction as you can see. We'll have to go down to the station to do the paperwork."

I nodded and asked if I could take my own car down.

"Yeah, sure, see ya there in about fifteen?" 

I nodded and moved towards my car. 

A petrol bomb. A kid. An Angela? To me that seemed a more plausible idea. Wasn't that the day after she threatened me? 

I slid into the driver seat and picked up the in-car telephone and dialled the base number and asked to speak to Janet on the infirmary.

"Janet," I said when she picked up a few minutes later. "Something's happened, my house it was on fire and it's…destroyed."

There was a long pause then an outburst of breath. 

"Sam I think you better get back here ASAP, there's been a message… It's about Colonel O'Neill-" 

"What!?" I exclaimed and yanked the seatbelt around my body and slammed the car into gear and sped out of my drive.

"Sam slow down! I can hear the tyres screeching from here! I don't need you in here incapable of doing any work as well!" Janet yelled and I eased off on the accelerator. 

"What do you mean 'as well'?" I asked my breath catching in my throat as I flung the car around a corner and I could only hope it was still on four wheels as I did so.

I sped down the street and barely noticed the lights changing in my favour – not that I would have stopped anyway. My blood was rushing through my veins and I could feel the bump-bump of my heart in my chest. It was beating to quickly that it seemed merely to be vibrating instead of beating at a steady pace. My knuckles were white as they gripped tightly onto the steering wheel.

I don't know what was making me madder: the fact that my house was a mere shell; or the fact that the time I go off base is when we get a message about Jack. Both were making me angry but which was driving me this fast? Which was making me put my foot down harder on the pedal?

Jack.

"…Jonas hurt himself in the gym… Sam are you listening to me?" Janet's voice breaks into my reverie and I nod even though she cannot see me.

"I'll be at the base in ten minutes," I said and hung up.

I wonder what the message could be. Not just the message from Jack but also the message that came with my house fire. Surely it wasn't Angela, surely she would not be as shallow as to do something like this.

I speed down to the base and am there in less than ten minutes. The guard seems to be taking forever clearing my car and me and his movements are slow and calculated. I feel like reaching out and throttling him but instead I keep my cool as he tells me I have been cleared and opens the gates and allows me passage.

I drive according to the speed limit and pull into the same space my car was in before I left the base. The rain has gotten heavier and I quickly fling the door open and rush out towards the door that will take me down not locking the door of my car. By the time I reach the door I am soaked to the bone and I peel the T-shirt from my chest as the elevator takes me down. 

The car seems to be stopped at every floor and people enter and people leave, but none are on the same journey as me… none say hi or acknowledge my presence. Instead the glance quickly at me and send sympathetic looks at the floor – not to me. Why are they being sympathetic? What was included in the message from Jack or whoever is keeping Jack prisoner? 

Finally the car arrives at sub-level28 and I rush out from it and down the corridor towards the control room. When I enter a dead silence falls over the occupants of the room. Even General Hammond says nothing to me. 

"What?" I ask and look frantically around the room, to Lt. Simmons and then to another computer technician who looks away.

Behind me General Hammond clears his throat and nods at Simmons who turns towards the computer screen and types in a few commands. After a few seconds an image appears on the screens around the room.

Anubis.

"Tau'ri, if I am not mistaken this human…" the picture moves to an image of an unconscious Jack, "…is of your world. Colonel O'Neill I believe. I shall not lie to you, he is strong and has not yet told me how to penetrate the iris that covers your Stargate but he shall. I have very persuasive methods of torture," his tinny voice echoes around the silent room.

"Like hell…" hushed moan comes form somewhere behind Anubis followed by a low groan as the speaker is struck my one of Anubis' Jaffa. 

"O'Neill wishes to pass on a message to…" Anubis' face disappears then returns, "…Major Carter: Never give up on me." An evil laugh resonates then the screen goes blank.

I stand still for a few moments until I feel tears well in my eyes. I turn and flee from the room. I make for my quarters and when I reach them I fumble with the door handle until a steady hand reaches down and covers mine.

"MajorCarter, I am sorry," Teal'c announces and opens my door for me. 

Teardrops come as waterfalls on my face and I collapse onto the floor in a messy heap. My body shakes violently like a house in the middle of a tornado storm my shoulders vibrate against the floor and my head comes close to my chest. I feel Teal'c's presence behind me but I can't bring myself to stop the flow of emotions.

After what seems like an eternity the tears no longer come and I turn onto my back. This room… It was this room where we last really spoke, and I cry again.

++++

__

Turning over to get out the bed I freeze as I come face-to-face with one asleep Jack O'Neill. I glance at my waist and notice his arms wrapped tightly around me, a contented smile on his face.

++++

I feel Teal'c wrap his arms around my waist and feel myself being lifted up from the floor and placed gently on the bed. 

"Rest MajorCarter, I shall converse with you in the morning." Teal'c leaves before I can even reply.

I roll over and my senses are filled once again by Jack. The smell I had awoken to a few days before, the smell I need. 

I'm scared that I won't be able to help him. That I won't find him and that I won't see him again. Those thoughts are the ones that make me cry harder; no longer was he mine. I had to bring him home for someone else. 

__

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have me

All of me

You used to captivate me

By you're resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind

Your face it hurts

My once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away

All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along...


	10. State of things

State of things

**S+J+S+J+S +J+S+J+S**

Gater101

**S+J+S+J+S+J+S+J+S **

Sam's fingers became a new part of the arm of the chair as she dug her nails in deeply and felt and saw her knuckles turn white. The Tok'ra's gruesome recall of Jack's physical state was disgusting to Sam and she could only imagine his weak, tortured body falling limply to the ground and his voice calling out her name. *Her* name. Sam, not Angela. *Sam*. 

Fresh tears sprang anew into her eyes and, looking around, she could see she was not the only one affected by this detailed description of the once strong Colonel that they all knew and loved – or she loved anyway. Jonas was looking at the table with tears threatening to fall over his eyelids; even though he hadn't been on the team for as long as the others he still felt what they were feeling. Teal'c was watching the two Tok'ra no doubt looking for signs of deception with a straight face and if it wasn't for the waver in his voice when he spoke Sam would have sworn that this was having no effect on the large man at all.

"If we are to believe what you tell us," Teal'c stated. "That would mean that Colonel O'Neill is very much alive and has no doubt suffered innumerable counts of torture which he may or may not recover from." 

Unable to listen to Teal'c for much longer Sam held up a shaking hand and cut him off.

"What's your point Teal'c?" She asked bitterly, unable to believe that her friend was putting her through this form of torture.

Teal'c looked at her with compassion and held a hand up in front of his chest.

"My point, MajorCarter, is that O'Neill is very much alive, and very capable of being rescued by us with the aid of a Tok'ra ship," he said smiling slightly.

She could cry. She knew that he could be rescued but she didn't want to be the one to do it. She didn't want to see his face, didn't want him to ask her what had taken so long and for her to have to tell him she had failed him. She knew she would have to go on the mission, she *wanted* to go but she didn't. 

She let out a bitter laugh causing the table to turn and look at her. She licked her lips and tasted the salt from her tears –tears that she didn't know had fallen. 

"It's ironic, we - *I* - have spent so long trying to figure out how to get to him, how to rescue him and it was so simple. He hadn't even left the planet he had gone missing on. Do you have any idea how that *feels*, any idea how ridiculous I feel right now?" She stated bitterly, her lips curled in a gruesome attempt at an ironic smile and tears gliding down her cheeks.

No one answered her question and she laughed once again. 

"You have no idea how difficult it is going to be trying to tell him that we didn't know where to begin, trying to explain to him that we didn't even return to the damn planet to find him. You have no idea" she let the tears fall and dropped her head onto the table and sobbed not caring that her commanding officer or anyone else was watching her.

She tried to calm herself but every time she managed to stint the flow of tears she would think of the mission ahead of her and cry again. The members of the table continued making plans on the rescue of Colonel O'Neill while Sam drowned herself in tears. When the Tok'ra stood to leave the table Sam made a half hearted attempt to show some respect and stand and walk them to the gateroom. 

The Gate started spinning and Sam winced at the pain it caused in her head. The Tok'ra turned to her and one began speaking.

"We shall meet you on the planet with the ship ready to depart. I only hope we discovered him in time," he said – she has already forgotten his name – and Sam nodded her head in agreement to his words.

A conversation ensued about the mission for a few moments until the blue wave Kawooshed' from the large circle and then there was silence as the Tok'ra ascended the ramp and, when they reached the event horizon, they turned and nodded at us before stepping through the blue mirage.

"Well That went well, " Jonas said trying to break the uncomfortable silence that had fallen over the group. 

"Hmmm," Sam replied and then started walking away from the now empty Stargate. "So, what's the co-ordinance of the mission?" She asked as they walked down the corridor to the changing rooms. 

"Well, from what the Tok'ra have gathered it's a trading planet that Jack is being held on. They will offer something in return for Colonel O'Neill," Jonas informed her. 

The mission seemed simple enough but what if

"What if they don't want to trade him?" She asked the question that had no doubt been playing on the minds of everyone but none were brave enough to answer.

Jonas looked to Teal'c for support. None was forthcoming. 

Jonas looked to the ground for a few moments then looked Sam straight in the eye. 

"Then we go in guns blazing."

Sam smiled; she liked Jonas' way of thinking. Undoubtedly Jonas was becoming a much larger role in the SGC as a whole and not just SG-1. The base had grown to like him and so had Jack

Sam snapped out of her reverie and continued walking until she reached the changing rooms where she stripped off her clothes and put on the fresh ones that were hanging on her coat rail. When she re-emerged a few minutes later Jonas and Teal'c were standing outside the room waiting to enter. 

"Hey guys," she said with a small, sad smile. "Rooms free," she muttered as they entered when she left. 

She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes wondering how much pain Jack was in. She guessed it was a lot. Everything seemed to happen around about the same time in her life. Her mother's anniversary and her father going missing on the same day though years apart. The man she loved was captured the day after, but her father returned. Days later her house was burned down, she was threatened, she had almost given up hope of finding O'Neill and had a message from Anubis concerning O'Neill. And now, weeks later, two Tok'ra representatives come and tell her that O'Neill was found and they were going to rescue him.

She wished her dad were there to tell her she would be okay. But he wasn't. He was on another mission, another planet, another alias for him to don. His wounds had healed much quicker than normal thanks to his symbiote and now he was off gallivanting through the galaxy thinking he was James T. Kirk, captain of the Enterprise'. 

Hammond walked towards her and stopped before reaching her.

"Can I have a word Major?" He asked her.

Sam nodded and pushed herself off the wall sending a quick glance at the locker room door.

"Don't worry, it won't take long," he assured her.

"Yessir." 

"Sam Bring him home, alive if you can. But you heard the Tok'ra's description of him. At some point maybe he would be better of dead. If there is a chance that he won't be the same *mentally* after this then you know he'd want it. He'd want to be brought back as him or not at all."

Sam straightened her neck and jutted out her chin.

"I understand, sir. But I am not going all that way just to bring him home in a box," she told him steadily. She held his gaze for a few seconds until the door to the showers opened and Jonas and Teal'c emerged dressed in the same black gear as herself.

Hammond nodded and moved off. Sam followed him with her eyes. She couldn't believe he had practically told her to kill the man she loved. He knew how difficult it was for her.

"What did the General want?" Jonas asked as he yanked at his vest adjusting it to the right area of his body.

"Just wanted to wish us luck," she said abstractly. "Let's go." She pushed past him and traced Hammond's steps until she reached the gateroom.

She entered and it seemed as though there was a thousand faces looking back at her. She nodded to the technician in the control-room who promptly started dialling the Gate. 

"Chevron one encoded."

The thunder from the Gate muted all conversation in the room but Sam could imagine the chatter going on up in the control room.

Now she wished she had gone for a shower. Her hair was almost matted it was that greasy, and her skin had gone from oily to dry back to oily. She felt unclean. She thanked whoever was listening for giving her this chance, to rescue O'Neill. To see him, no matter his state.

"Chevron Seven is locked!"

The now familiar, yet still amazing, blue whoosh shot from the gate then settled back to create the rippling event horizon that she would have to walk through momentarily.

Her feet were moving of their own accord up the ramp and she stopped just short of walking through the shimmering surface when Hammond called to her.

"The Tok'ra will meet you on the other side with a ship. They'll take you to the planet, from there you will ring down. You'll be on your own. You will radio the ship when you have him."

She smiled. He knew she hadn't been paying attention at the briefing.

"Yes, sir," she waited for Teal'c and Jonas to join her.

"God speed."

She breathed deeply and then took the step through the Gate.

She was going to rescue Jack.

TBC!!!!!!!!! Eternally sorry! I don't have the lyrics for this song! L ! More in time! Dunno how long it will be!

Feed me please!!!!!!!!!!


	11. Give You Back

**Give You Back**

****

**Gater101**

She couldn't breathe. The stifling heat from the planet was affecting her respiratory system and she gulped deep breaths down to try and cool her burning lungs, but the dry hot air only made them worse. 

She turned to Jonas who seemed to be having the same problem.

"Do not worry, Major Carter, it is much cooler inside the cave where we first encountered Colonel O'Neill." The first Tok'ra said and she nodded and walked quicker in the hope that the Tok'ra she passed would take her hint and take back over the lead and guide her quickly to coolness and to Jack.

Jack.  She still found it strange to say his name and not his title. She closed her eyes for only a moment and tried to rid the vivid image she had of him, tortured and beaten and starving. She licked her chapped lips then opened her eyes again to find that the Tok'ra had passed her again and was guiding them to a large, gaping black hole in the rock face before them. 

He halted and Sam all but rammed straight into him so intent on the gateway that she hadn't noticed his stalled motions.

"If it is the same as the previous occasion that we were here, then there are two guards standing directly past the entrance – one on the right, one on the left. I do not wish them to be killed, so use the Zats and fire only once-"

"We know how the Zats work," Jonas interrupted an exasperated look on his face. 

The Tok'ra smiled tightly, annoyed that his speech had been interrupted. "Of course, my apologies. From there the tunnel leads down to the main cave where there are numerous Jaffa. However, there is an adjoining tunnel that leads up the way to a balcony: this area is not governed by Jaffa. It is up on this balcony that the room where Colonel O'Neill is being held is. Please, be silent as we make our way through, we do not wish the Jaffa to be alerted to our presence."

Sam was beginning to regret her decision to let the Tok'ra come on the mission. Now she remembered why Jack was adversely 'allergic' to them: they were smug, haughty and downright pains-in-the-asses. Instead of clubbing the man with her P-90, she followed him into the cave mouth and had her Zat ready to take action. 

As soon as they entered the cave, a Jaffa stepped in front of them and pointed his staff at them.  

Before he could engage his staff, Teal'c had blasted him with a shot from his own Zat and then copied his action on the second Jaffa who was still hiding in the dark.

"Good shot," Jonas said, still surprised by Teal'c's efficiency. 

Teal'c bowed and then moved forward to where the wall was slightly darker than the rest of the face and motioned for them all to follow him.

"I do not recall informing you that you could take the lead, Jaffa." The smug Tok'ra stated.

"Rel'ar, that's enough." The second Tok'ra warned. 

These two were not the ones who had come through the 'Gate the first time and Sam felt a little uneasy around them, but put it down to the fact that she was in such a rush to see Jack that she didn't trust anyone. 

Climbing up the dark tunnel was not as easy as the Tok'ra had made it seem. There was water running down the main path and slimy algae was covering the walls making their progress that much more difficult. 

As they got closer to the balcony, light seemed to fill the dark tunnel and Sam's heart began to beat faster and faster with the fear and adrenaline it always felt whenever she was on a rescue mission that included Jack O'Neill. 

She climbed out into the light after Teal'c and stumbled, causing some loose rubble to trickle down over the edge of the 'balcony'.

It was more of a rock ledge, cut out by thousands of hands not long ago. The wall to the left still had jagged rocks jutting from it; the floor was dusty with what looked like shards of granite. The vast open space below seemed to radiate a red light; spurts of molten rock would erupt from holes in the ground; the floor was covered with bodies, some moving, some not and there was the occasional scream of a man tortured and Sam could only hope that it wasn't Jack. 

When she snapped out of her reverie she noticed that the others were beginning to move away and Jonas was looking at her with a pitying look in hi eyes.

"Don't pity me, Jonas. I don't need it," she said quietly and he nodded.

"Come on, Sam. Let's go get him back." He turned and walked away but Sam stayed still.

She still wasn't sure she wanted to see him. Did she want to see what she had done to him? Did she really want to see the torn Jack O'Neill? Could she possibly deal with it? She wasn't sure she had the answers to any of these questions but she knew that she had to follow the others and not be caught. 

She would do it for Angela. 

Angela. The name left a bitter taste in her mind, as though a shot of salt water had been injected into it. 

She quickly got her mind together and followed the others. She stayed at the back behind Jonas with her P-90 pointed over the edge in case any of the people below saw her. She stared, sometimes, at the back of Jonas' head remembering times when she had did that with Jack and knowing that he did it to her when she was in front of him. She smiled slightly but it was only fleeting and then suddenly tears filled her eyes. She wiped them away and tried not to sniff. 

Another few minutes of silent walking passed and then she heard Teal'c's hushed words.

"I see him."

Sam pushed past Jonas and the two Tok'ra to stand at Teal'c's side. What she saw ripped her heart from her chest and threw it against the wall.

He was leaning against the wall; his face bloodied, his top missing, his pants torn. His hair was matted, both on his head and on his face. His beard had grown rather long and all Sam could think was that she had to get to him. As she continued forward, she heard his grating voice and she stalled.

"He's talking to someone," she hissed and pulled her P-90 closer to her body, her trained finger pressed firmly against the trigger. 

Teal'c passed her again and paused only a few feet away from the entrance to the room.

"Indeed you are correct Major Carter, he does appear to be talking," he confirmed as the rest walked up behind him. "However, there does not seem to be an answering voice, though O'Neill is speaking: both asking questions and answering them."

This caused Sam's heart to sink.

"He's clearly delusional," she let her mouth make the words that her ears didn't want to hear.

"I believe, again, Major Carter, that you are correct." 

Teal'c moved away and entered the room and Sam quickly followed.

"Hey, T." She heard as she slid into the room behind Teal'c. "Long time no see. How've ya been?"

"We are here to rescue you O'Neill." 

Sam rolled her eyes; Teal'c was forever stating the obvious and making it sound so clichéd. 

"I know. I heard that you were coming." His voice was hoarse, the way it would be if he had the cold or a parched throat. 

Sam took it to be the latter and stepped out from behind Teal'c. When she did, she stopped and stared at the man who was staring back at her. 

His eyes were wide, his face expressionless. His cheeks looked bruised, his nose definitely broken. She could cry. His eyes clouded over for a moment then he glanced away.

"Carter…" he said quietly not looking at her as she moved closer to him and uncapped the drink container at her side and held it out for him to take. When he lifted his hands she noticed they were bound with thick cords. She pulled her knife from her belt and began sawing at it careful not to touch his hands or wrists. 

She could feel his breath at her ear, ruffling the hairs at the side of her head and she could only imagine the longing look on his face. After a few minutes, she had cut the ropes and leaned back on her heels. 

She offered him the canister again and he took it swallowing greedily then handed it back to her. When she reached out to take it, he cupped a hand around hers and looked deep into her eyes. 

"Thank you," he whispered and she knew he was thanking her for more than just the water. She stared at him for a moment longer than pulled her hands away.

"We have to get you out of here," Jonas stated as he came over with a clean shirt. 

"Thank you," Jack replied as he took it form him.

As he stood up Sam noticed that he had scars covering his chest and back, and when he tried to lift his arm up to put it through the sleeve he winced and dropped it back down.

Quickly, she moved over to him. 

"Here, let me help." She moved over to him and slid his arm into the sleeve, holding onto his biceps and then doing the same with the left arm. 

"How did you know we were coming?" Jonas asked the question that Sam had forgotten to ask, too shocked to think beyond helping him.

There was a quiet pause then he looked up and shook his head.

"I just knew," he finally replied and glanced fleetingly at Sam. 

Sam looked at Jonas who stared back at her with a sceptical look on his face. "Jonas, go tell the Tok'ra to get the ship ready, we'll be there in thirty." Jonas left and Sam turned back to Jack, whose eyebrows were raised in question. "The Tok'ra told us we could find you here. They're waiting for us outside, there's a ship on the surface of the planet about a twenty minute walk from here, think you can make it?" Sam informed him and asked the question hoping that he would say yes.

"Sure, I don't see why not."

Sam noticed that he was far too perky for someone who had lived through weeks of torture and beatings and she shared a look with Teal'c. Things had gone too smoothly. However, on closer inspection – she was standing supporting his weight on her left side as he looked about the room – she could see the pinched lines of pain on his forehead that showed that merely standing was a chore. And she could not forget the delusional state they had heard from in the corridor, which seemed quickly revoked as they entered. 

"Teal'c, support him, I'm going to take point."

Sam dropped her arm from around his waist and walked away and she could feel his confusion and sense his eyes watching her back, which burned as well as her eyes. She had done this to him. She was the reason he was trying to be so strong but failing miserably. She was the reason that he was there in the first place. She was the one that made him promise to bring her dad back, no matter what. She hated herself. 

There had been no other indication that he had missed her, other than him clasping her hands and thanking her, but that was it. She felt so ashamed. Did he blame her too? 

All she knew was that she had to get him back to the SGC and to Janet so she could fix him up.

She was going to give him back to Angela. She was going to him back to the one person that she hated on Earth. 

She didn't like Angela, not at all. There was something about her that caused her skin to crawl and her blood run chill in her veins.

"What you thinking about, Carter?" Jack interrupted her thoughts and she turned to him, tears running down her face and she made no attempt to hide them.

"Giving you back."

_I need to know if you were real  
'Cause I've been known to get it wrong  
When the memory comes  
I'll say I'm always in the dark  
You got me now   
__  
I want to give you back  
I want to give you back  
Somewhere out of here  
I want to give you   
I want to give you   
I want to give you back   
  
I can't remember how it went  
You looked like everything I wanted  
And as you came along  
Slowly everything began to change  
I got you now   
  
That's enough  
Just talking about it  
I don't mind   
I don't mind no I  
Laugh enough  
Just dreaming about it   
  
I need to know if you were real  
I'd hate to think that I'd been fooled again  
And as the vision fades  
I'll say I was blinded by your eyes  
I felt them burn_

TBC – The truth behind Angela will finally come out…


	12. Delicate

Gater101 

****

**_AN: I absolutely hate this chapter. I think I've moved too fast and tried to end it. I haven't got any of the characteristics of these characters right. I can't help it!!!_**

She stepped into the darkened infirmary and pinched the bridge of her nose. The long, tiring, stressful trip back from the planet had given Sam a headache. She had sat at the front of the ship with the not-so-smug Tok'ra, leaving Teal'c, Jonas and Smug Tok'ra to talk with Jack about his time on the planet. 

Naturally they hadn't gotten much out of him – Jonas had taken it upon himself to inform her of every little detail of the conversations he'd had with Jack. Sometimes the 'brief outline' was so detailed that Sam wondered if he had sat and taken notes throughout it. But what Jonas didn't realise, was that Sam had chosen to sit at the front to be away from Jack, not that she was looking over schematics of the ship like they had all believed. Then there was the conversation with Angela. General Hammond really must have it in for me, Sam thought on more than one occasion during the conversation with the world's wildest witch. Sam told her that Jack had been found and was currently being treated in an Air Force hospital, namely the base infirmary.

"Can I see him?"

"No."

"Why not."

"Secured medical centre, I'm sorry General Hammond just called me, must go. You will be allowed to see him when he is transferred. Goodbye."

That was about the extent of their conversation. 

Sam had lied when she said General Hammond had called her, it had, in fact, been Janet in the infirmary to tell her that Colonel O'Neill was demanding to speak with her and if she didn't so help me God…

So now she was here, standing having an inner debate with herself about whether or not to go in. The compassionate part of her brain won out and she took a step in then immediately regretted her decision and she turned to leave.

"Carter," she heard his voice call to her and she froze in her movements, her eyes squeezing shut and her lips compressing together. 

"Sir," she said quietly even though she knew he wouldn't be able to hear her. She turned and walked towards him and when she reached the bottom of his bed she stopped and stared down at him with a forced smile. 

His arms were skeletally thin, as well as his body and she almost let out a choked sob. Instead she glanced away up the corridor then sat on the bottom of his bed with her back angled towards him and her head turned to look at him. She had done this to him. She had reduced him to this… structure that could be used to teach five-year-olds about the human skeleton.

"How are you feeling, sir?" She asked in a hushed tone as though afraid to hear the answer or too afraid to actually speak to him.

"Not as bad as you all seem to think," was his quick response but Sam didn't buy it. 

She looked at him: the pinched lines were still visible on the contours of his forehead; the haunted look still present in his eyes. It didn't add up. How could he possibly think that everything was okay?

She saw the look of defeat appear in his eyes as he realised she knew him too well to fall for his act. She smiled slightly and placed a hand over is feet, then quickly removed it.

"What have you been up to, Carter? Haven't seen you around," he said with the slight hint of accusation in his tone.

"I spoke to Angela today. She's been really worried about you," Sam says eventually.

He stared at her with a confused expression on his face then he nods. Then he nodded a little. 

"How is she?" He asked with little concern in his voice.

"She's been a bit stressed out, worked up, you know how it is when someone you love is missing," Sam said the last part then could have kicked herself because she realised just *how* clichéd it actually sounded. Clichéd but true, her brain added. 

He looked at her and smiled slightly.

"I know that feeling… I missed you." He looked up at her again and she looked away from the absolute truth that was in his eyes.

"Why did you do it?" She asked at length after a long, unhealthy silence.

"Do what? Try and make your life that much better? You know why."

She could have hit him. She felt like taking her right fist and introducing it to his jaw. Making her life better? Did he think that she needed to continually torture herself about him to make her life better? Did he think he was doing her a favour by driving her to the ground? 

Her face was growing hot and she knew it, could see the red tip of her nose and could see the look of shock on his face. 

"Sir, you jeopardised your life to bring back my father for *personal* reasons. You could be court marshalled."

He laughed at that. 

"That's what's been eating your pants since we got back? Scared that I won't have a job when I got back? I was thinking of retiring anyway."

She stared at him and wondered at what he meant. 

"To spend more time with Angela. Of course." Sam spat the name out as though it were venom and then instantly regretted it because he frowned and continued to then raise an eyebrow. 

He coughed but did not respond to her last statement. 

"I'm going to start talking so please, just listen to me." She adjusted her position on the bed and settled down for what she believed was going to be a long story. "When I was on that planet, I knew that you would be looking for me. I didn't even think about it, the thought just came to me. When I was being tortured, do you know what I was thinking?" She shook her head. "I hope that Dad is okay. Not 'I hope Angela is okay.' And when I was lying at night, recovering, I was thinking about all the times that you had come back and rescued me…" She stood up and stared down at him indignantly.  "Listen to me. I never say this much; not even to myself. But it's true. And it made me realise how much I'd miss being here everyday, with these people. Not how much I would miss Angela because, I wouldn't really."

Sam looked at him in shock and was about to admonish him when he looked at her and smiled.

"Well I would but… not to the same extent. Angela… was a relief… from everything: From us, from the team, from Daniel… ascending, from wanting you. I thought that if I tried to love someone else, then I could work here. But it only made it worse. The pain on your face… that I had caused. It hurt me more than I could ever have thought." He ducked his head down and Sam could see the formation of tears at the corners of his eyes. This was so Un-O'Neill it was unbelievable. Something truly terrible must have happened to him on the planet.

Sam remembered when he had first introduced them to Angela. Each millilitre of her blood seemed to drop to her feet and her heart gained a few extra tonnes, her muscles – her bones felt like she had just spent the night in Antarctica with no blanket and no Colonel. She had never felt as empty in her entire life: even when her mother had died. Then she was too young to really understand it.

"Why did you push me away?" she asked, with a confused tone after sensing that he was ready to continue talking. 

He looked at her with a sallow face and dark eyes and she choked back a sob at the sight of him.

"To help you. We both had to move on – or that's what I believed at the time. Now I'm not so sure. I know now what it feels like to miss you. And when I think about it, I've been missing you… us since long before I met Angela."

She didn't know why she did it but Sam leaned forward and brushed her lips past his and when his hand held the back of her neck she didn't pull out of it. She let it happen. She had stored this moment in her mind for so long for it not to happen again. Now that it was happening she felt exhilarated, like some weight had been lifted from her chest. 

Then she pulled back and the weight came crashed back down – or more accurately she came crashing down out of the clouds and into this weight that seemed to have doubled since she left moments before. 

She closed her eyes, regretting instantly her decision to lean forward in the first place. 

She let her eyes fill with tears and stood up. 

"Sam?" Jack asked from his place on the bed his hand still lingering somewhere near where her head had been.

"I have to go."

And she fled. She ran down the corridor towards her quarters and when she reached them she slammed the door and threw herself onto the bed like a teenager in tears. And that is exactly how she felt. 

She lay there, facing her soaked pillow for the rest of the night, ignoring the knocks on her door from concerned members of staff – Jonas and Janet - who had seen her dash from the infirmary from their 'meeting' place, which seemed to be dangerously close to O'Neill's bed. 

Maybe it wasn't real. Maybe it was a dream and when she opened her eyes it would not have happened. But she knew that wouldn't happen because when she did eventually open her eyes, she could still taste him in her mouth. She cried as she thought about it again. She cried again and again and again. The weight in her heart seemed to be suffocating her and her rational mind began to make her realise what had just happened.

She had just signed her own death warrant. And that could not possibly be good.  


_We might kiss when we are alone_

_When nobody's watching_

_I might take you home_

_We might make out when nobody's there_

_It's not that we're scared_

_It's just that it's delicate_

_So why do you fill my sorrow_

_With the words you've borrowed_

_From the only place you've known _

_And why do you sing Hallelujah_

_If it means nothing to you_

_Why do you sing with me at all?_

_We might live like never before_

_When there's nothing to give_

_Well how can we ask for more?_

_We might make love in some sacred place_

_The look on your face is delicate_

_So why do you fill my sorrow_

_With the words you've borrowed_

_From the only place you've known_

_And why do you sing Hallelujah_

_If it means nothing to you_

_Why do you sing with me at all?_

_So why do you fill my sorrow_

_With the words you've borrowed_

_From the only place you've known_

_And why do you sing Hallelujah_

_If it means nothing to you_

_Why do you sing with me at all?_


	13. Angel

Angel 

****

**Gater101**

****

She watched as he sat in his chair and how he rose when she entered – she being Angela. Outside the room was where Sam stood watching the exchange between two people, two *married* people. It seemed to happen in slow motion, Angela running down the corridor when she spotted his room, then running to him, him slowly raising from his chair his actions both sluggish and painful. The hug. The hug seemed to last forever and Sam looked away slowly trying to hide the look of utter pain that crossed her face from Teal'c.

When she looked up again, he had glanced over at her and smiled slightly, then his gaze suddenly became contemplative. She just stared and then turned to walk away. Her steps were long and steady but they seemed to be slow, not letting her escape from the prison she was in. But she knew that nothing could break her free from the hell she had signed herself to: no amount of high speed running, no wormhole or hyperspeed was going to allow her to leave behind the baggage of the past few months. 

As she finally made it outside into the bright day she looked up towards the pale blue sky and watched the few wispy clouds float overhead and then disappear behind some building that seemed to touch the outer edges of the atmosphere. She looked down again and saw her father sitting on the bonnet of her car. He stepped down from it and came towards her with his arms open wide. 

She rushed to him and flung herself into his embrace and let the tears fall down her face once again. 

"You okay?" Her dad asked out of courtesy not curiosity. 

She sniffed a few times then pulled back to wipe her face and nodded her head. 

"I'll be fine," she said optimistically, knowing that – for the moment at lest – her words were not true.

"I didn't ask about the future, I asked about now," her dad told her as he pushed a strand of hair from her face.

She smiled and her lip trembled again but she managed to retain the tears in her eyes. 

"Okay," she lied and hoped that he would not press any further.

She moved around him towards her car and put her key in the lock, forgetting she had the remote to open it and stopped. She looked back towards the hospital and saw Jonas and Teal'c leave and make their way towards Teal'c's SVU. Her eyes moved along the ground floor to where she thought Jack's room was and she stopped and let her mind think about everything that had happened between them.

The wedding. Actually, everything that happened before then. The first day she met him and threatened him with an arm wrestle. The wedding. The night before he went to retrieve the man that was standing in front of. The absolute torture she had put herself through – again – in an attempt to rescue him. The sad exchange in the infirmary before he was transferred to the public hospital. 

She opened her door and slid in, sliding her key into the ignition as she did so. It had been two weeks since she had kissed Jack and she could still feel his hand around her neck, his lips on hers. And she had a feeling that she was going to be feeling it for quite some time. They hadn't really spoken about it, most probably because Sam had avoided the infirmary as though it were infested with Goa'uld symbiotes. 

"What you thinking about?" Jacob asked from the seat next to her a few minutes later as they turned onto the highway to make their way towards base.

"The future." She glanced towards him and saw him smile. 

"What about it?" 

She shook her head and let out a breath of warm air that blew a strand of hair from her nose.

"Whether or not I'm going to be there to see it."

Jacob looked at her but said nothing. Instead he put a hand on her arm and squeezed gently. 

"I love you."

~+~

Something caught her eye as she sat in the briefing room being briefed on their first mission since O'Neill's return. She looked up and saw the plain gold band glinting slightly in the overhead light on O'Neill's hand. She watched it as it moved animatedly through the air and then as it came to rest in the yellow blotter on top of the dark oak table. 

"You leave in two hours," Hammond said and Sam nodded but didn't move.

She watched as O'Neill stood and dropped his pen onto the blotter, her eyes never leaving his hand. Her chest seemed to have gotten heavier every day since she left the hospital and she could think of nothing to alleviate the pain. Well that's not strictly true is it Sam…? Her brain added. She shuffled her papers about and made no attempt to move.

"Carter, you coming?" O'Neill asked as he looked down over her a small curious smile on his face.

She stared at him for a few minutes longer and watched as his lips grew in length. He attempted to hide his smile but failed. She finally nodded and stood up. She crossed the briefing room floor and attempted not to look at his hand as he walked beside her and attempted to make conversation. 

"So…" he said, as they walked down the corridor past numerous open doors. 

They were getting closer and closer to a place where Sam did not want to go. She didn't want to have to constantly fight with her human instincts when they entered…

The elevator doors opened and she sighed, knowing that she wasn't about to be paged back to General Hammond's office in the small two seconds it was going to take her to step inside the small, enclosed space that would take them to a higher floor where they would finally go their separate ways.

When the doors closed, he moved instantly. 

He pushed her back into the wall and kissed her hungrily. She returned it for a few seconds then remembered her promise she had made with herself only thirty seconds before. 

He realised she wasn't returning his kiss and then pulled back.

"What's wrong?" He asked. 

"I'm not going to be the other woman," she stated simply, her heart hammering against her chest in attempt to escape from its confines, similar to Sam's body's feelings.

He sighed and dropped his head onto the back of the wall beside her head and she mustered all her will power to stop herself from leaning her head against his.

"I know…" he said slowly and at length. "And I would never ask you to be."

She scoffed slightly. 

"You're not asking me to be, your 'telling' me that I am. And I'm not going to do that for any longer. I'm not giving you an ultimatum: I'm simply telling you that you can't have us both."

He pulled back. 

This was the longest elevator ride she had ever experienced. She looked up and realised it had stopped and that the "EMERGENCY" sign was alight with its dangerous red colour. 

"I know I can't have you both. And I know what it is that I have to do but it's just so hard. I have to tell her."

Sam's eyes subconsciously opened wider at the prospect of Angela finding out that they had been having… whatever the hell his was. It wasn't exactly an affair because they had never done anything other than kiss and profess their love for one another… almost.

"I can think of several reasons why that would not be a good idea. My life is one of them!" Sam exclaimed rather loudly and he flinched. 

"She doesn't have to know why I'm leaving her, just that I am," he said after a not-so-long contemplative silence. 

"She would absolutely kill me if she foun… what?" Sam stood shocked and let O'Neill's animated smile confirm what it was that her ears had heard.

"I think we've stalled this for long enough… the elevator I mean." He hit the button again and the elevator car started moving again. He looked down at her and smiled with his quirky smile that reminded her of a five year old boy who had just been caught with his hand the cookie jar.  "We'll talk about this later."

The elevator doors opened and he executed a rapid escape. Sam stayed where she was and stared at the figure that was disappearing around the corner. 

"Major?" Siler asked as he leaned against the massive spanner that he often carried with him. 

"I'm going down," Sam said and started laughing as she hit the button back down to the level the infirmary was on, only her understand the double meaning of her last phrase.

Spend all your time waiting  
for that second chance  
for a break that would make it okay  
there's always some reason  
to feel not good enough  
and it's hard at the end of the day  
I need some distraction  
oh beautiful release  
memories seep from my veins  
let me be empty  
oh and weightless then maybe  
I'll find some peace tonight  
  
In the arms of the angel  
fly away from here  
from this dark cold hotel room  
and the endlessness that you feel  
you are pulled from the wreckage  
of your silent reverie  
you're in the arms of the angel  
may you find some comfort here  
  
So tired of the straight line  
and everywhere you turn  
there's vultures and thieves at your back  
the storm keeps on twisting  
you keep on building the lies  
that you make up for all that you lack  
it don't make no difference  
escaping one last time  
it's easier to believe   
in this sweet madness oh  
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees  
  
In the arms of the angel  
fly away from here  
from this dark cold hotel room  
and the endlessness that you feel  
you are pulled from the wreckage  
of your silent reverie  
you're in the arms of the angel  
may you find some comfort here  
you're in the arms of the angel  
may you find some comfort here

**TBC!!! Nyahaha! I think that maybe this story will go on for a few more chapters… is that up to everyone's satisfaction? **


	14. Weapon

Weapon 

****

**Gater101**

****

Angela stared at Sam over the large expanse of table through a thick fog of smoky air that came – free of charge – with a table at O'Malley's. Contempt was swarming in the murkiness of Angela's eyes and a disgusted grin was spread across her face.

Jack had asked his friends out for a meal – he even managed to personally invite Jonas – and he was enjoying their company. It had been two weeks since the encounter Sam had had with him in the elevator and it seemed that he had changed his mind about telling Angela. She and Jack shared no physical contact except when their fingers brushed as he was passing her an MRE on one of their frequent missions.

Sam glanced away from Jack's face and directed her gaze down to the thick meat steak that was tempting her to eat more. When Jack had invited her out to dinner she had politely declined, informing him that the Stargate was due a service. He'd already cleared it with Hammond, she was having the night off.

She'd objected, ranted and raved at him about how unethical his actions actually were. And he'd accepted it all with nothing but a lopsided grin and wave of his hand before leaving her lab. She had fumed for a few hours afterwards, even managed to make it to the gym and complete a mile run in under six minutes. Then she shook her head in frustration and lunged herself into the shower. She did not want to spend the night watching Angela coo over Jack.

That had been four hours before. And she still didn't want to watch Angela coo over Jack.

"I heard about your house," the voice was icy and guttural and Sam tried to hide the grimace that graced her face. "I'm sorry."

Sam looked at Angela's face and saw the same amount of sympathy there that had been in her voice.

She smiled thinly at the short brunette woman across from her.

"And how exactly did you, Miss Trungsten, hear about my house?" Sam asked, adding the woman's former title to show she had no respect for her position as Jack's wife.

Sam was still under the belief that it had been Angela who had torched her house to the ground. The fire investigator reported that it had been petrol bombs – plural- that had started the fire. Probably the kids, the marshal added his own opinion that he would be leaving out of the official report.

Angela narrowed her eyes and her lips became pinched.

"It was on the local news," Angela fumbled.

"And yet you do not stay locally to MajorCarter," Teal'c interjected, overhearing the two woman's conversation.

Angela's face grew red and she glared at Teal'c who remained unmoved. After a few more moments of flustered silence, she finally spoke again:

"Then, it must have been Jack who told me." She reached out a hand and covered Jack's, which was pressed against his bottle of Bud. "Wasn't it Jack?"

He barely turned from the hockey game that was playing on the overly large television behind the bar as he answered:

"Uhh… yeah sure… whatever you sa… Oh! How could you possibly miss that!!!?" Jack's hand flew into the air and Angela drew hers back in surprise.

Quickly recovering, she picked up her napkin and fiddled with it in her hand as she spoke:

"See… there. I knew I'd heard it from some handsome man, that new reporter on CNN-"

"Sam, are you going to eat the rest of that steak?" Jonas asked her, eyeing her slab of untouched meat and Sam shook her head and picked up her plate and handed it to the young over-eager man.

When Sam looked up again, Angela's jaw was clamped firmly shut and her eyes followed the motions of Sam's hand. The expression that was present on her face had Sam almost in fits of laughter. It was a well known fact that none of the group liked Angela, even the sometimes slow-on-the-uptake Colonel noticed it.

Sam watched Angela for a few more nanoseconds before her gaze drifted back to Jack as he animatedly told the referee exactly where to shove his final blow on the whistle.

Sam loved the way his grey hairs glinted in the overhead light: whether that be sunlight, electric light or candle light. She loved how he cracked the worst jokes of the time but knew she would laugh anyway. She loved that what it felt like to know his next move but also the surprise of the unexpected move. She loved the taste of coffee on his breath that was breezed against her face when he had invaded her space. She loved and missed it all.

She realised then that he was looking back at her with a questioning look on his face, She flushed a deep red and berated herself for losing her mind.

"Drink, Carter: want another one?" he asked and it sounded as though it wasn't for the second time.

She looked down at her three-quarter full bottle of Miller (Genuine Draft) with a confused stare but nodded none-the-less.

"I'll walk you down: I need to use the facilities," Sam said as she regained some of her composure.

"Sure." He smiled at her as she moved around the table towards him.

As they reached the low steps that were a few feet behind the groups table, Jack placed his hand on Sam's bare shoulder. She closed her eyes at the contact and tried not to tense the muscles of her upper torso.

She felt him lean closer to her, felt his hot breathe on the nape of her neck, felt his fingers splay further across her back.

"You're not eating," he stated simply and with such concern that almost missed the bottom step but Jack's other free hand stopped her from falling.

"You noticed," she smiled falsely and tried to pull away from his touch.

"Of course I noticed." He glanced sideways at her, his hand still guiding her body towards the bar. "You're still angry," he said after a long moment of silence.

"How can you tell?" She repeated her tone and tried again to pull away from him.

"Well for one, you're not enjoying my touch as much as you normally do. For another, you're not trying to fill every two second silence with science ramblings." He smiled at that and at her response.

"In reply to your statements, I don't think science ramblings are appropriate in front of someone with no clearance. And for another, I'm uncomfortable with your touch because there has been a distinct lack of it lately and I am unfamiliar with it," she stated with more bite then she had intended.

He paused and his hand, which had been waving through the air to gain the bartenders attention – fell to the bar with a thud.

He looked at her with deep regret in his eyes but then looked away as though he might show his true feelings.

The barman responded to the loud bang on his bar and came over almost immediately. Jack ordered the drinks for the table before turning to her again.

"I did tell her. I told her that we… you and I… were ya know? But she just… dismissed it. She said she understood that I'd gone through something horrible…" his eyes drifted off and Sam knew he was thinking about being on the planet. She felt a sudden rush of familiar guilt and raised her hand to his face, forgetting momentarily that they were in a public place. He leaned his head against her hand for a second then pulled away. "She wouldn't listen to me. She kept telling me that she loved me. Nothing I could do would convince her… I even moved to Daniel's apartment but was totally freaked and had to go back.

Sam smiled. She could imagine Jack wandering Daniel's flat, being freaked out by the lack of beer, food and sports channels.

"I don't think this is the place to be talking about this," Sam said simply and removed her hand, which had fallen to rest on his tanned, strong forearm. He nodded. "I gotta go use-"

"The facilities," he finished for her. As she moved off she could hear him mutter something about "non-helpful" and "female Majors". She smiled.

Once the facility usage was complete, Sam stood before a mirror and examined herself in the vast expanse. Her jeans were ill fitting: the weight she had lost when Jack was… gone had never been gained and Sam made a mental note to buy new clothes. Her eyes were stinging from the smoke in the bar, so she turned the tap on and leaned down to splash water on her face.

She froze as she began to rise after noticing that hers was not the only reflection in the mirror.

"Angela," she said, her voice devoid of emotion. "I didn't hear you come in." Sam reached to her right for one of the towels to wipe her face when she felt an iron clamp around her wrist.

She was spun around and pressed up against the wall, with Angela's finger jabbing in her face. She knew it was best not to resist and so did not.

"Stay away from Jack. He told me about your little… escapades. Make you feel that you had gotten one over on me, did it? Well let me tell you that you will never win. I made this game, I won this game. Jack. Is. Mine. I thought that you're mini adventures had ended because, after all, he did come home to me every night. Me, not you, me. But after your little display of 'affection' I realised I had better make sure that you understood." Angela stared at her eyes, she was so close to Sam that Sam could see that her green eyes were flecked with yellow and the edges of the iris was rimmed in grey.

Sam shuddered then pushed Angela off of her.

"I understand."

Angela's mouth opened as though she were about to protest then it snapped shut. She was confused; the evanescent twitch of her eye told Sam so.

There was a long silence where she thought of something to say.

"Good," was all she managed to come up with before disappearing out the door, making much more noise than she had when she entered.

Sam looked at herself in the mirror again.

"I'm a fool," she muttered aloud to no one.

Her chest regained most of the weight that had been alleviated from it when she and Jack had first…

She pulled her leg back and let it drop with great force so that it hit the wall of the counter she was standing in front of.

She was confused. She didn't know how to feel. Didn't know what to do about Jack, the SGC, the team… she felt tears rise and a lump collate in her throat. She attempted to swallow but to no avail.

She hated herself for letting things with Jack get so far. They may not have had sex but… the kissing and… other stuff was breaking the rules – both military and marriage. She hated Jack for loving her as much as she loved him.

As the thoughts in her mind blurred with the vision of her eyes, Sam could think only of how she hated Angela Trungsten for ruining her life.

Ten minutes later, Sam re-emerged at the table, and Jack looked up at her with a look of utter pain in his eyes. This hurt him as much as it hurt her, she realised.

He reached up and grabbed her and pulled her down into a conversation with Jonas that she had no intention of participating in.

As she sat, Sam was well aware of Angela's glare but yet she did not move. This man beside her was her life… and also her death.

**_Here by my side; an angel,  
Here by my side; the devil.  
Never turn your back on me,  
Never turn your back on me, again.  
Here by my side, it's heaven.  
  
Here by my side, you are, destruction.  
Here by my side, a new colour to paint the world  
Never turn your back on it,  
Never turn your back on it, again.  
Here by my side, its heaven.  
  
Be careful,  
Be careful,  
Be careful,  
Be careful.  
This is where the world drops off,  
This is where the world drops off.  
Be careful,  
Be careful.  
  
And you breathe in,  
And you breathe out, for it.  
Ain't it so weird,  
How it makes you a weapon.  
And you give in,  
And you give out, for it.  
Ain't it so weird,  
How it makes you a weapon.  
Never turn your back on it,  
Never turn your back on it,  
Again...  
  
Be careful,  
Be careful.  
  
Here by my side, its heaven,  
Here by my side, its heaven.  
Here by my side..._**


	15. Do what you have to

Do what you have to 

****

**Gater101**

****

"We have to talk."

Sam was walking down the corridor with her head bent as she read the mission brief when she felt a hand clamp around her upper arm and felt herself being propelled backwards. She was sure the look on her face would have set a few people into hysterics if there had been any in the dim corridor of the SGC's sublevel 20. Her eyes crinkled around the edges and her mouth was pursed in an "O" but no words came out. Her feet were moving rapidly backwards and she almost lost her balance quite a few times.

Finally she heard a door open and felt herself being gently pushed inside then heard it click closed again. The room was dark and smelled like the nauseating smell of a dentist surgery. She fumbled about the wall to her left trying to locate the light switch and when her hand brushed human flesh she drew her hand back. She stood stock still for a few long seconds before light poured over her head and over the head of her captor.

"Colonel… this isn't the best time, I was just on my way to Hammond's office to-"

"I know where you were going, Carter, I was headed that way myself."

Sam knew it would not be in her best interest to inform him that he had been walking in the wrong direction to be going to Hammond's office, so kept her mouth firmly closed. She knew that this conversation was coming. She had been trying to avoid being alone with the Colonel for three days after the little dinner party that they had had and was managing successfully… until that very second.

Her heart was hammering in her chest faster than she had ever thought possible. Her hands had begun to sweat the instant she felt his hand on her arm and her legs were beginning to shake. Her eyes were locked on the door behind him so she had no idea that he was harbouring a look of utter desolation.

"Look at me," he quietly pleaded and she turned her eyes to him slowly and attempted to control her breathing. "This isn't working."

Sam frowned and looked away again to prevent him from seeing the anger rising in her eyes. She didn't understand why she was angry, she had told him that he couldn't have both of them… but she still wanted him. She was mostly angry with herself for allowing Angela to bully her; and that is exactly what she had been doing. Bullying her into leaving Jack alone. And it was completely understandable, Sam was pretty sure she would have done the same thing… maybe not so forcefully but she would have told… herself to stay away from Jack if she was in Angela's shoes. She wasn't though and that was what angered her. She couldn't have Jack. She had waited for so long to have him and now she knew that she could not, even if he retired because he was married and his wife was a… jealous monster for lack of a better word.

"What isn't working?" Sam asked coolly, still avoiding eye contact with him.

"This thing with you and me. And Angela I guess. I know what she did at O'Malley's the other night. I couldn't have stopped her if I had known, I didn't even see her leave the table or I would tried to stop her. I'm sorry about that." He looked at her with eyes so deep that Sam felt as though she could drown in them (oh, how clichéd!!!). "But… it's a lot more difficult than I thought it was going to be. I can't work side by side with you virtually every day, knowing what it feels like to have you, to hold you in my arms," he whispered the last few words and then closed his eyes as though he was trying to keep back tears.

Ever since he had been rescued, Sam realised that Jack O'Neill was changing. He was no longer the detached, emotionless Colonel that they were all familiar with. The change had its upsides… ad also its downsides. He was more willing to announce his feelings to people but that wasn't always the best thing. Like now. Sam had no idea what to say to him, even though she had known exactly beforehand what she had wanted to say. She was too used to trying to draw information from him, so to have it thrown at her caught her off guard. She thought she was used to the change, but obviously not.

She was so deep in her thoughts about the changes of the Colonel that she hadn't realised he had placed a hand on her face and was rubbing her cheek free of tears that she hadn't realised had fallen. That was happening a lot lately; tears falling without her consent or knowledge. She found herself in the infirmary after a mission with tears running down her cheeks as she waited for Janet to run over the results of her tests.

She pulled away from his touch and coiled up into the corner of the small storage cupboard that she noticed held very few supplies. Had he had this kidnapping planned?

"I can't talk about this now," Sam said forcefully and tried to push past him and back into the corridor.

He stepped in front of her and created a blockade in front of her.

"And when do you think you'll be able to talk about it? Because from what I can tell, you've been trying your damnedest to avoid me! I can't keep pretending that everything is hunky-dory when it most definitely isn't! You think this is easy for me? I'm a part of this too; I have to go home to a woman who I don't love when I would rather stay on base with you, even if it is just to work. I have to lie to General Hammond whenever he asks me if I have something on my mind because I can't exactly tell him that I'm thinking about how much I want to take you to my cabin in Minnesota and leave everything behind, can I? So if you truly think that you are the only one affected by this, then let me take this opportunity to tell you that you're not."

Sam was taken aback by his sudden outburst and she tell from looking at him that he regretted his words as soon as they had escaped his mouth.

A silence descended in the cupboard and Sam felt the familiar sting of tears in her eyes.

"I'm not going to be the other woman… but I can't see any other way around this…" She looked at him and saw him press his lips together after her almost silent words. He was fighting back the same tears that she herself was.

He looked at her with a deep sense of longing and then he smiled.

"What are you smiling at?" She asked incredulously finding nothing for him to be smiling at.

He simply shook his head and continued to look at her.

"There's something I gotta do. It may take a while though so… until then, we just gotta act as though nothing has changed." He said cryptically then left the cupboard and walked in the direction of the elevator.

Sam stayed rooted to the spot not knowing what to do.

"But everything has changed," she muttered before turning the light off and leaving the cupboard.

She looked up and down the corridor but it was still deserted. She wondered suddenly if anyone had walked past and heard their conversation. That would be all she needed. She looked down at the file that she still held in her hand. It was curled into a tube and had a damp patch on it from where her damp hands were gripped around it.

Her anger had subsided but was replaced with a sudden confusion at Jack's words and actions. What was he planning on doing? She realised that she was drawing no answers while standing still and decided to take Jack's advice and continue like she had been for the past few weeks.

She made her way to General Hammond's office and knocked on the door.

"Enter," he called through the think wood. He had obviously seen her arrival through the glass star chart, because she had travelled through the briefing room and looked briefly down at the device which had brought so much into her and also taken to so much away from her.

She smiled tightly as she entered and took a seat in front of him.

"Everything all right, Major?" Hammond asked and Sam briefly thought about answering with a shake of her head.

Instead she smiled and nodded.

"Just wanted to talk to you about the next mission, Sir," she said after gulping down the small lump that was beginning to rise again I her throat.

All she could do was smile, but for now it seemed to work.

Throughout her conversation with Hammond her thoughts were constantly on Jack and where he was and what his plan was.

She waited because, for now, it was all she could do.

**_What ravages of spirit  
conjured this temptuous rage,  
created you a monster,  
broken by the rule of love?  
And fate has led you through it.  
You do what you have to do.  
And fate has led you through it.  
You do what you have to do.  
  
And I have the sense to recognize  
that I don't know how to let you go.  
  
Every moment marked  
with apparitions of your soul.  
I'm ever swiftly moving,  
trying to escape this desire,  
the yearning to be near you.  
I do what I have to do.  
The yearning to be near you.  
I do what I have to do.  
  
AND I have the sense to recognize  
that I don't know how to let you go.  
I don't know how to let you go.  
  
A glowing ember, burning hot,  
And burning slow.  
Deep within, I'm shaken by the violence  
of existing for only you.  
  
I know I can't be with you.  
I do what I have to do.  
I know I can't be with you.  
I do what I have to do.  
  
And I have THE sense to recognize  
But I don't know how to let you go.  
I don't know how to let you go.  
I don't know how to let you go._**


	16. Author has to say something

Authors notes 

Okay, got a bit of a mixed review thing for this little ficlet! The ones who have been reading this fic from the beginning understand the story, I think. But someone said that I hadn't explained how Angel and Jack got married… didn't you read Delicate? He explains to Sam that it was because he thought it to be best. I'm not telling you why Jack is staying with Angela because that will ruin the next couple of chapters that I'm writing! Yes, I am writing them!! Lol.

The other thing was, where was Sam staying? She had been staying with Janet and on base. There really isn't a point in her buying a new house at the moment because she doesn't spend much time there. But she will be moving into her own home pretty soon, I promise!

And the characterization… well yes, I'll admit it's a bit skee-if ok…. A big bit skee-if. So I'll explain… any abnormalities with Jack I'm blaming that on the time he spent on the planet (which I will explain!) and maybe something else…? Hmm, I'm not sure about that though. And Sam… well… emmm… her character just sucks in my opinion, in my fic here I mean!

So, I hope I've cleared up some of the confusion with this here note, and the rest I do promise you will be cleared up in the next couple of chapters. Also might have to jump characters from Sam to Jack to get a full understanding of his pain and the whole Angela side of things… but I'll clearly mark it at the top!

Sorry if you thought this was an update!

Laura/Gater101


	17. Let Go

**Let go**

Gater101

He glanced at the clock: 4.56. He sighed and turned onto his left side, his right side numb from lying on it too long. Angela had stormed out of the house that they now shared after they'd had a rather heated…discussion and had not yet come back.

His mind was riling through each and every event of the past few months. Being trapped on the planet had haunted him more than anything else. Seeing them torture Sam had made him almost tell them what it was that they wanted to know but then he realised that it couldn't have been her: she was at home looking for him, not stuck on some godforsaken planet along side him. But what he knew didn't make it any easier to watch. It almost killed him. He knew that if it hadn't been for Daniel then he would not have been lying in bed at that very moment. Then again, maybe that wasn't such a good thing that Daniel had been there.

That night in the infirmary with Sam… he could not remember the last time he had spoken so openly about anything but he enjoyed it. He liked the feel of her lips against his. The way that she seemed to not care, just for that split second he felt… complete.

He turned again and winced at the pain his sudden movements had caused his healing wound on his side. He'd neglected to tell Sam about his injury from when he had been on the planet. General Hammond had objected claiming that the junior officer should know of all her senior officers injuries, should anything go wrong. But that would only make her worry, Jack rationalised and Hammond had conceded. He knew she blamed herself for what had happened to him – even though none of them would ever fully know; there were some things that he just couldn't share.

He thought of Sam without a conscious feeling of guilt towards Angela. He loved her, yes, but there was absolutely no way he could ever be in love with her. Not now. Not after threatening Sam's life if he chose to leave her. He felt like the battered wife who was too afraid to leave her husband because she feared what he would do to her and that if he stayed everything would be all right because Angela had promised not to do it again. And he believed her. But he still loved Sam. He still wanted to be with Sam.

He groaned and threw his legs over the bed and dropped his head into his hands.

Who was he kidding? He didn't love Angela. He down right despised the woman. He had loved her before, enough to marry her but it was only after the wedding that he realised just how vindictive she really was. After the night out he had dragged Carter along to, Angela had lain in bed beside him with her head on his shoulder and whispered:

"If you leave me for her, you won't have a her to go to."

She had then proceeded to attempt to make love to him but he had pushed her off and slept on the sofa in the lounge.

He knew then that there was no way he could leave Angela for Sam and that there was no way he could ever explain to Sam just why he couldn't leave Angela.

There was a click from somewhere downstairs but Jack didn't move. There were footsteps on the stair but Jack didn't move. There was another click then a dip on the bed but Jack didn't move. Angela placed a gentle kiss on his cheek but Jack didn't move.

"I hope I didn't make to much noise and wake you, darling." She started to then place butterfly kisses across his chest but Jack didn't move. "Fine, have it your way." The romantic seduction that had been so clearly displayed in her voice before was replaced with a bitter tone.

She stormed off into the en-suite bathroom and slammed the door. Jack moved.

He rushed over to the dresser drawer and pulled out a tee-shirt and threw it on. He left the room silently, hearing the rush of water of the shower from the other room. He thundered down the steps, knowing that Angela would not hear him over the cascade of water that was falling around her ears. He grabbed his leather jacket and as he walked out the door he grabbed his car keys, which were always hanging at the ready on the key-holder just to the left of the main doorway of the house.

Outside, the rain was pouring down around him as he rushed to the car.

He started the engine and glanced at the clock: 5.16 am.

_I feel so alone again   
I know that I need you   
To help me make it through the night   
And I pray that you believe in me   
You gave me my strength   
To face another day alone   
  
And I need you now my friend   
More than you know yah  
When will we meet again   
Cause I can't let go of you   
  
This world brings me down again   
I know that I need you   
To help me make it through the night   
And I know that you're the one for me   
You gave me my strength to face another day alone  
  
And I need you now my friend   
More than you know yah   
When will we meet again   
Cause I can't let go I can't let go  
  
As time passes by I find  
Things never seem to change  
When I feel alone  
You bring me back to you  
  
And I need you now my friend  
More than you know yah  
When will we meet again  
Cause I can't let go of you  
No I cant let go_


	18. Cradle

Cradle 

****

**Gater101**

****

When Sam looked to the ceiling all she could see was darkness. She had decided to look for a new house a few weeks before and had finally found one that was only a few minutes drive from the base. Janet had protested that she needn't move out, both she and Cassie loved her staying there. But Sam needed to find her own place before she became too dependent on having someone around. So here she was lying in hr cold bed staring at the black ceiling that she had yet to decorate. She'd started with the lounge then the bathroom and was in the process of looking for a suitable colour for the overly large bathroom.

It had now been five days since Jack had cryptically spoken to her than disappeared, which is exactly what he had done. She hadn't seen him since then but she was aware that General Hammond was not worried and so the Colonel must have contacted him. It didn't stop her from worrying though.

She swung her feet off the bed then propelled her body upwards. She groaned and rubbed a hand over her face. There was no way she was going to get any sleep. She padded out of the room, her feet falling on the thick carpet and leaving momentary impressions there. She reached the farthest corner of her house and fumbled around the wall for the switch to the half decorated bathroom. The soft glow emanated through the massive room. She had the horrid fluorescent lights removed as soon as she saw them hanging precariously from the ceiling and had numerous small overhead lights put in. The tiles were white with black chips through them but were plain in decoration. The bathroom set was white also: the bath; washbasin and toilet seat. There was a separate shower room on the first floor, which was the same size as the kitchen, which was also not small. She loved the shower room but she was waiting to decorate that last.

She glanced at the clock that was stuck to the wall using rubber suckers and noticed that it was 5.10 am. She groaned and began to fill the bath with water. She pulled the tight tank top from her body and dropped it on the floor. She removed her long sweat trousers and stood before the small mirror. She looked down and noticed that she had lost a lot of muscle tone but her stomach was still flat; she was going to have to go back to the gym. She looked back up to the mirror and noticed the heavy circles under her eyes – she would put Captain Jack Sparrow to shame. She closed her eyes and dropped her head. Her hands were holding onto the washbasin and she groaned. Nothing was turning out the way she had wanted them to.

She could hear the sudden downpour of rain as she started to slide into the hot water and she smiled as she felt the heat encompass her. She moaned loudly knowing that it didn't matter: there was no one there to hear her. She tried to rid her mind of thoughts of Jack and tried to calm her body down enough so that she could get at least a small amount of sleep. She closed her eyes and willed sleep to take her over the edge.

She felt her legs go numb as the muscles finally relaxed, her torso was beginning to relax and so was her mind. She could feel the fingers of sleep pawing at her and she dipped further into the water. She lost all sense of time but knew that no more than a few minutes could have passed. There was a sound from down stair and she jumped causing some of the water to splash over the side of the bath. She rose from the water and grabbed her towelling robe from the back of the door that was situated five large steps away from the bath. She pulled it around her and moved quickly and quietly to the stairs that would lead her down.

She had no weapon and felt entirely vulnerable. Her breath had started to pick up speed, being expelled in a quick rush of air. She heard the noise again and stopped suddenly.

It was the doorbell.

Her heart decided to slow down slightly and she began attempting to breathe normally again. It was only when her brain decided to inform her of the time that her heart decided to quicken its pace once more. She looked around frantically for a clock but more importantly, for a weapon.

She reached the door and had found none. One thing she realised then was that it was a necessity for her to put a peephole in, especially if she was feeling as insecure as she obviously was.

She took a deep breath and placed her hand on the handle, turned the key that she had left in the lock and unbolted the Yale lock. She yanked open the door and frowned at the sight that met her.

She stood frozen for a few seconds before realising that he was soaked and still being pounded on by the rain that was falling hard off his body.

She stood back and allowed him to enter her house before closing the door and locking it quickly. She turned to walk into the lounge and found him staring at her, not having moved from the spot he had stood when he entered.

They looked at each other for a long moment before Sam broke eye contact and attempted to walk past him.

As she reached his side, his arm shot out and his long fingers encircled her wrist. She glanced down at the hand, then up at the eyes of the person who owned the hand.

"Sir… what are you doing here?" She asked eventually, not attempting to escape his grip.

"I don't actually know," he laughed but it was empty.

She started moving in the direction of the lounge but he didn't follow her.

"The lounge is this way, Sir," she told him.

"I'm Jack, your Sam. And you know I don't want to go to the lounge."

He pulled her arm and drew her closer to his body. He didn't waste a breath before descending his lips on hers for a brief kiss.

"Jack… this isn't right, we have to talk," Sam said firmly and, once again, attempted to move away from him.

"Then let our bodies do the talking," he whispered and drew her closer once more.

She did not resist and did not ask any questions.

She led him upstairs to the bedroom she had so recently vacated and knew nothing else other than the completion she felt at having him in her arms.

Tomorrow she would be asking a lot of questions. Tomorrow she would be hating herself. Tomorrow she would be hating him as much as she hated herself.

But tonight she was being cradled from the dangers of life and being comforted by the throes of love.

_Comfort me cradle me  
Live for me arms spread out  
Temper lights a fire in me  
The shape of you breaking through  
Desired are the chosen few  
Standing on the edge of ecstasy   
  
The taste of your skin  
My body is giving in  
And I'm falling into you  
As you let yourself go  
To the edge of the world  
And I'm falling into you  
I'm falling into you  
  
Close your eyes and sacrifice  
I'll breathe you in till I get high  
The centre of your world pulls me down  
Oceans rolling over me  
Crashing into you I see  
You call for me  
And I relive  
  
The taste of your skin  
My body is giving in  
And I'm falling into you  
As you let yourself go  
To the edge of the world  
And I'm falling into you  
I'm falling into you  
  
I come undone, I come undone, I come undone  
I come undone, I come undone, I come undone  
I come undone, I come undone, I come undone…  
  
Comfort me cradle me  
Live for me arms spread out  
Temper lights a fire in me  
The shape of you breaking through  
Desired are the chosen few  
Standing on the edge of ecstasy   
  
The taste of your skin  
My body is giving in  
And I'm falling into you  
As you let yourself go  
To the edge of the world  
And I'm falling into you  
I'm falling into you  
  
Falling into you…  
I'm falling into you  
I'm falling into you  
I'm falling into you..._

**_Such a cheesy wee last liner I had there, eh folks? But come on, cheese can be good… on toast! Lol. Well… the next one is still on the drawing board but come on, two updates in the space of two days, goddam miracle! _**


	19. What Do I Have To Do?

**What do I have to do to prove my love for you?**

****

**Gater101**

She lay in bed staring unseeing at the ceiling. Jack had left to go the base – she glanced at the clock: 7.02 – thirty two minutes ago. She knew she should get up but no amount of self-will would move her.

She had told him in no uncertain terms that she would not be the other woman. And for the past three weeks that is exactly what she had been. It was strange though – almost every night that SG-1 was not offworld over the past three weeks, Jack had stayed at hers. She could count on the one hand the number of times she had slept alone and each of those times was for work related reasons: being knocked up in the infirmary; working through the night and then crashing out on her lab top; Jack being rudely awakened at 12.30 and ordered into the SGC by Hammond.

Not once had Jack been with Angela. He had been home to his house a few times to collect fresh clothes and male necessities: non-floral scented shampoo and non-feminine smelling deodorant.

Sam rolled over so she lay in the centre of the large bed with her head leaning into Jack's pillow. She smiled. It was fitting that she and him preferred opposite sides if the bed: him to the left, her to the right. She sniffed and her nose was filled with Jack: no one scent that she could pick out, it was just the many different smells that added up and created the Jack O'Neill smell she knew and loved.

 Deciding it was time to get dressed, Sam threw back the covers and moved into the en-suite bathroom. She growled in frustration at the sight that greeted her: the Jack-O'Neill-morning-mess. His shaver was left lying in the bottom of the white sink, his toothbrush lying discarded on the shelf, his used wet towel hanging limply over the door. She groaned: this man has spent too long living alone.

She grabbed up his razor and ran cold water over the blade and saw the shavings dripping down the drain. She shook her head, half amused by his laziness, half annoyed by it. She clipped the razor onto the holder for it on the wall and then picked up the toothbrush and rinsed that too – just for good measure. She turned and plucked the towel from over the door and briefly held it to her nose before throwing it in to the laundry basket less than a foot away.

She then showered and dried herself, cleaned her teeth and ran her fingers through her towel dry hair. She was dressed and out the door for 7.45 and had pulled into the base carp park at 8.17. She smiled as she drew up next to Jack's big black truck.

Ten minutes later, Sam was in Hammond's office staring in wonder at the distraught man across from her.

"I don't think I should be the person to tell you this, Major, but Jack is off base as of…" he glanced at his watch "…seven minutes ago."

Sam frowned; she had just pulled in next to his truck ten minutes before and had not sighted him on her journey into the deep bowels of the SGC.

"Sir, what happened?" She asked quietly, fearing the worst.

"Major… Colonel O'Neill's house suffered a massive fire last night, there really isn't much left of it. The fire department is calling it arson. There was evidence of petrol bombs." Hammond interrupted Sam's interruption and continued. "I'm aware that is the same method used to burn your house, Major, and the appropriate authorities have been notified. However, that's not all." Hammond paused and he looked down to his hands, which were clasped tightly on the oak tabletop. He cleared his throat before continuing. "There was a body found near the main entrance to the house. It's suspected to be Angela."

Sam didn't say anything; instead she chose to allow the silence to say all that needed to be said.

"Colonel O'Neill has gone to identify the body, it wasn't too badly burned, magnificently," Hammond continued and Sam's mouth dropped open.

"Oh God," she muttered and looked down.

Jack had enough nightmares as it was; he didn't need to add the charred body of his wife to the long list. Sam closed her eyes and felt her throat begin to close up. Despite everything, Angela was still Jack's wife and Sam was simply the other woman who had come between them. She blinked back her tears and looked to the bald, Texan General.

His expression was almost unreadable but the small flicker of his greying eyes betrayed his impassive face. There was a steady silence where Sam could see the General's internal fight with himself.

He coughed to clear his throat and ducked his head slightly before speaking, his gravely voice echoing around the room was that was filled with an assortment of books and pictures.

"Sam – before Jack left, he and I had a little talk – nothing big, just a talk. He told me a few things about his relationship with Angela. I know it isn't my place to be telling you this but…" the older man trailed off.

"You will anyway?" Sam's voice sounded distant to her ears, as though the air were eating her words before they could go far.

She held the General's intense blue gaze until he grunted and his eyes slid easily away from hers.

"Something like that," he continued and Sam smiled at him slightly. "He told me that his situation with Miss Trungsten has changed somewhat."

The fact that he had called Angela Miss Trungsten did not go amiss by Sam and she frowned.

"Jack and Angela never consummated their marriage-"

"General Hammond, Sir! I'm not entirely sure I want to hear this!" Sam interrupted vehemently and stared wide-eyed and incredulous at the General.

Sam's stomach rolled within her body and she froze her jaw in place so as not to say anything that she would most definitely regret.

"Jack applied for an annulment to his marriage with Angela a fortnight ago, Major. She ranted and raged for a few… days, before she finally relented. Angela Trungsten is no more Jack O'Neill's wife than you are mine," Hammond told Sam, who sat dumbfounded.

Why hadn't her told her? Why hadn't he felt the need to inform her of this drastic lifestyle change? And why was Hammond telling her this?

She tilted her body forward in the chair and leaned heavily on the arms the leather chair, her gaze fixed on the model of the new X-302. She pursed her lips a few times and attempted to speak but failed.

She turned her gaze towards the important man wearing a short-sleeved shirt and shrugged.

"I don't know what to say, Sir," she finally managed through her tight throat.

She could once again feel the burn of tears at the corners of her eyes and she blinked furiously.

"I thought you might know best what to do with this information, Major," Hammond's voice washed over her in a comforting wave and she breathed in deeply. "You're dismissed," he informed her quietly after another long silence.

Sam rose slowly from her chair and began walking towards the door when Hammond's voice cut through her fog marred brain.

"I'd like my pen back, if you please, Major," his tone was mocking.

Sam looked down to her hands to where the General had pointed and she felt a deep blush creep across her cheeks. She retraced her steps and placed the pen on the desk, where she had unwittingly plucked it up.

"Jack teach you that in 'How-to-act-in-front-of-Hammond' class, Major?" Hammond teased and Sam's blush roared to her hairline.

Could he know? But considering her actions of late, Sam wondered how the whole base didn't know. She smiled slightly, turning up the corners of her mouth a millimetre or two only and left the General's suddenly stifling office.

When she reached her lab, Sam found she had greeted what felt like half the base and her 'IN' tray full with at least seven reports she would have to read and she knew that she had about the same to write.

She groaned and as she slunk into her chair. She raked a hand through her short blond hair and ground her knuckles into her eyes. She couldn't believe Jack hadn't told her that his marriage to Angela was now invalid. She couldn't believe that he had slept in the same bed as her for a fortnight and let her believe that he was cheating with her. She could feel her anger bubbling up and she breathed deeply in attempts to calm herself.

Her eyes wandered to the pile of reports on her desk and she yanked the first one off and opened it, deciding this was the only way she would be able to prise Jack O'Neill from her mind.

When Sam worked, the first thing that happened was that she lost track of time, so when Jonas bounded (grinning) around the corner asking her if she wanted lunch, she was surprised to find that almost five hours had passed since she sat down and it was 1330 hours.

In the commissary she seated herself at a table with Jonas and Teal'c's mounded trays, Janet's coffee and banana and her own blue jell-o. She noticed herself continually glancing to her diagonal left to the empty seat Jack normally occupied with his red jell-o.

She laughed with the group at something she didn't think she had heard. She noted that none of the three mentioned Jack's absence, which meant that they knew exactly what was happening.

After an hour, Sam was back in her lab typing up her second report. Her mind was racing but she forced herself to continue working and soon found herself being torn from her typing by the shrill of the telephone.

She looked to her laptop and found she had almost completed her seventh report then looked at the clock in the bottom right hand corner: 9.27

The phone shrieked again and she grabbed it up.

"Carter," she almost barked to the intruder.

"Sam," it was Jack. "Come home please?" he pleaded and Sam found her resolve crumbling as she heard the desperation in his voice.

"Sure," she whispered before hanging up.

She closed up her lab and grabbed her long winter coat from the cupboard to the right of the door and threw it on. It fell to her ankles, the black exterior contrasting with the light colour of the sheepskin inside.

She walked out of her lab, towards the surface and towards the chill February air. She reached the surface and signed out before moving across the glacial path to her car.

_'Come home," _he'd said and Sam smiled slightly. She looked at the road ahead of her and hoped the authorities had gritted the roads or she wouldn't be able to make it… home.

What do I have to do   
To prove my love for you?   
What do I have to do   
To prove my love for you?   
  
I gave you my love   
I gave you no less   
If you want to, babe, you know   
I'll give you the rest   
  
Now tell me what do I have to do   
To prove my love for you   
What do I have to do   
To prove my love for you?   
  
Oh what do I have to do   
To prove my love for you?   
  
I gave you my love   
I gave you the best   
Go all the way if you know   
I'll give you the rest   
  
Now tell me what do I have to do   
To prove my love for you   
What do I have to say   
To make you come back and stay   
  
What do I have to say   
To make you come back and stay   
  
You gave me nothin'   
but heartache and pain   
You're keeping me   
in all kinds of strain   
  
Now tell me what do I have to do   
To prove my love for you?   
  
What do I have to ???   
To make you know I'm going straight?   
What do I have to ???   
To make you know I'm going straight?   
  
I won't even speak   
To no one else   
Sometimes I think   
I'm gonna kill myself   
  
Now tell me what do I have to do   
I'm gonna prove my love to you!


	20. Not An Angel

Not An Angel 

**Gater11**

Sam pushed the door to her house slowly open trying to prevent it from making the creak that it always did. The house was in darkness when she had parked her Volvo into the drive behind Jack's truck and she suspected that he had fallen asleep after ringing her.

She closed the door silently and made to take off her coat when a shadow in the entrance to the lounge caught her attention. She recognised the figure: the height; the broad shoulders; the long legs; they were all Jack O'Neill. She tried to smile but when she saw his shoulders begin to shudder, she realised that she couldn't. She lay her bag down slowly on the floor and cautiously walked towards him, unsure if he wanted her to touch him or not. The closer she moved, the more violently his shoulders shook and she began to think he presence was the cause. As she reached touching distance of him, he fell into her arms, which were not ready to catch him, and the weight of him pulled her down. She slid down the wall and held his head to her chest, feeling tears of her own rose at his despair.

'What's happened to him?' She thought. 'What's happened to the strong Colonel that I know?'

However hard she tried she could not help but pity him as he lay across the floor, his whole body shuddering like a fish caught on shore. She realised then that the strong Colonel had been pushed aside and this was just Jack.

They sat like that for about twenty minutes until Jack's hands began to wander up Sam's legs and he raised his head to her neck and lay butterfly kisses there. His fingers began tugging at her coat, trying to slide it off her body.

Sam didn't respond. Instead, she placed her hands on his head and pushed him away. He looked at her with pleading eyes but Sam shook her head.

"Talk to me, Jack," she said in a low voice and reached her hand out to touch his cheek but he pulled back.

He pushed back so he was resting on his knees, stared at her for a few seconds before standing up and walking away.

Sam tried to stop the groan from escaping her lips. She could feel her anger at him building again and so did not follow him straight away. She sat in the same position for five minutes, thinking how he would be seeing himself now after breaking down in front of her: pathetic, weak, stupid. She fought again with the anger as she remembered the cold, closed off eyes he had looked at her with before walking off. She recognised that look, it meant that his emotions were closed off and she wasn't allowed inside to see them. She hates that about him: his ability to completely shut her out. She sighed and resigned herself to the knowledge that she wouldn't be able to help him any more that night.

She sighed again and pushed herself up from her seated position, took her coat off and hung it on the hook on the cupboard and picked her bag up off the floor. She moved into the kitchen with soft footsteps and lay her bag on the dining table, taking her phone and keys from it before turning and walking back into the hall with it and hanging it on another hook in the cupboard. She walked into the living room and saw Jack perched on the edge of the large canvas sofa, his back ram rod straight, his eyes staring straight ahead, his face half in shadow half lit in a soft yellow glow from the lamp he had turned on. She sighed and walked past him towards the stair.

"He killed me," Jack said quietly, and when Sam turned to look at him, she saw that his head had fallen and was resting on his chest between his shoulders. "Quite a few times actually. Anubis realised that Ba'al would trade for me. So he did. Anubis didn't need me, he has Thor's brain stored on some removable hard-drive somewhere." He stopped talking and looked at her over the back of the sofa.

She was standing at the foot of the staircase, listening to his words, not breathing. Now, she took a step towards him and looked into his face to see if her actions were okay. He nodded almost imperceptibly and Sam felt relief wash over her. She knew that he'd needed to talk but wouldn't allow himself to. She sat on the sofa next to him but didn't touch him, afraid that he would draw within himself again – she'd seen him do it more than once.

"Ba'al… he tried to beat the information out of me to begin with. But when he realised that wouldn't work, he started torturing me with acid and other… concoctions… and he would use mental torture. He used to recall thing…" he motioned to his temple but didn't stop talking. "He found out about Charlie, Kawalski, Daniel, Angela… you. He tried them all… he kept using you – or illusions of you. They killed you, tortured you… I had to watch them rape you," his words began to choke in his throat and Sam watched as he batted the tears away from his eyes.

She could feel her own tears welling up, both of despair for the man sitting with her and of sympathy. She couldn't imagine going through what he had and coming out as strong as he was.

"But I knew it wasn't real," he continued after clearing his throat, "because when I closed my eyes I could still see it happening. Didn't stop it from hurting and I almost gave up." He searched her eyes for something and, seemingly finding it, he continued. "But I didn't. I don't know how long… but I kept telling myself that you were coming and that you would save me."

He stopped talking and Sam stared at him. If she had gotten to him sooner, if she had found him and not those damn Tok'ra, then he wouldn't be like this, he wouldn't have had to live through that. She felt a deep weight settle in her chest, almost smothering her and her throat involuntarily closed up and tears filled her eyes. She looked away from his eyes at the coffee table that was scattered with various magazines. She felt his hand on her cheek but she wouldn't look at him, couldn't look at him.

"Dammit, Sam! The last thing I need is you to feel sorry for yourself!" He almost shouted and Sam's head whipped around as though someone had punched her on the jaw.

She didn't know what to say. Sorry for herself? No, she wasn't pitying herself, she was feeling sorry for him. Her anger, which had so recently subsided, wormed its way back to the surface and she felt her cheeks flare.

"Oh no, I'm not allowed to have any feelings now? I'm not you, Jack, I have emotions, I have a heart!" She stood up from the couch and stared down at him, not caring that he had just spilled his heart to her.

He pushed himself of the sofa to stand in front of her and Sam saw the cold anger burning from his eyes down to her.

"What the hell are you talking about?" He shouted.

"What am I talking about? You know how guilty I felt about our relationship, how I refused to be the other woman-"

"You were doing a pretty good job of not caring last night!"

She slapped him. Hard.

"You self centred son of a bitch!" She moved away from him and stood behind the adjacent sofa so her back was turned to him. She would not let him see her like this. Her cheeks burned and she breathed heavily. Her heart hammered in her chest and she breathed deeply to calm herself. This was the first time she's ever argued to heatedly with Jack. Had she just him? Oh God, she'd just hit her commanding officer. No, she reasoned, she'd just hit Jack. There was a difference?

When she believed she'd calmed down enough, she turned and looked at him. He was standing in the same place but his back was turned to her and his hands were on his hips in a pose that showed he was trying to calm himself.

"You know how guilty I felt and you didn't tell me that your marriage to Angela had been annulled," she said quietly but firmly after she managed to find her voice again.

He turned quickly and she saw that any calm that had come over him was gone. She straightened her back and waited for his words.

"Who told you about that?" His words and voice were calmer than she had expected but the angry tone was still present.

She narrowed her eyes at him.

"It doesn't matter, the fact is you didn't," her voice held its firmness but her hands were beginning to shake. She held onto the back of the sofa so he wouldn't notice.

He could have her court marshalled, she realised as she saw the red hand print she had left on his face. But she doubted he would even report her, even in his angry state he must realise how difficult it would be to explain how she'd come to slap him.

"No, the fact is, it's none of your business!" His voice had risen a few decibels and Sam's jaw muscled slackened and her face became expressionless. They stared at each other for a few seconds before Jack moved towards her. "Sam, I'm sorry-"

"Get out," she said quietly and watched as he stopped walking.

He reached a hand out, palm up, to show that he was ready to make peace.

"Sam, you don't mean that," he stated simply and smiled.

"I said get out," she said louder and stormed pushed past him towards the front door and flung it open. It ricocheted and banged her elbow but she ignored the dull pain.

Jack grabbed his jacket angrily and stormed past her. He stopped on the path that leads to the driveway. He turned to her with an amused half smile playing on his lips and Sam was about to repeat her earlier phrase when he raised his hand towards the drive and spoke:

"You're gonna have to move your car," he said lightly, but cautiously.

It took a moment for his words to register but when they did Sam closed her in defeat and tried not to laugh. She stepped back into the hallway and motioned for him to come back in. As he stepped past her, Sam could smell her orange zest soap from him and she smiled to herself. She followed him back into the lounge and sat on the armchair in the corner, showing that he was not forgiven. They sat in a slightly hostile silence for a few minutes where Sam tried to find something to say/

"I'm sorry." Jack's voice broke the silence and Sam was silently relieved. "I should've told you about… Angela-"

"Oh yeah," Sam interrupted hotly.

He frowned at her slightly but didn't reply to her attempts to draw him into another argument.

"I just…didn't know what to say. 'Oh hey Sam, how are you? Oh me? I'm not married anymore,'" he said sarcastically and shook his head.

"Would've been nice," she replied, again, hotly and looked away from him as her anger built up once more.

"Sam, stop it. This is becoming unbearable!" He told her loudly.

She was going to reply with "Now you know how we feel" but decided against provoking him into another shouting match.

"I've said I'm sorry and there's not much more I can say. It doesn't matter now anyway, I would be free from marriage bonds now." He added the last words quietly.

Sa, looked at him confused for a few seconds until she remembered her conversation with General Hammond that morning. Guilt welled up in her again and she leapt from her chair to the sofa and sank down next to him.

"So it was Angela then?" She asked quietly.

He nodded but didn't speak.

"I'm sorry," she said quieter still.

"They're still going to do an autopsy, you know to make sure it was accidental. The police and fire department are still doing searches and gathering evidence or something."

She reached out and took his hand in hers and laced their fingers together to show him that all was forgiven, simply because she felt guilty about forgetting where he had been that day. They sat like that for a while until Jack pulled her into a hug and pressed his lips to her neck. He then pulled back and stood up, announcing that he was going to get ready for bed. She smiled up at him and lay her head back on the sofa, closed her eyes and listened to him leave the room.

"Sam?" She heard his voice behind her and heard his footsteps moving around to the front of her.

"Yeah?" She asked not opening her eyes.

"How's the elbow?"

She opened her eyes and looked down at her elbow and saw a bruise forming. She moved her eyes to him and saw him in his boxer shorts, his hair standing on end and some toothpaste in the corner of his mouth. She must have fallen asleep.

"Fine," she answered and closed her eyes again.

"Sam?" She opened them again.

"Yeah?"

"Come to bed."

"Yeah," she agreed as she felt his hand on her leg. "Yeah."

I'm not an angel 

_I'm just someone who has strayed form heaven's gate_

_I'm not an angel baby_

_I'm just another lost child trying to find my way_

_You're love has set me flying_

_With the wings I've never had_

_If you can see the good in me_

_Then I guess I'm not all bad_

_But I'm no angel_

_I'm not an angel _

_I'm not an angel_

_But I'll hold your hand_

_Across this bridge of life_

_Back to the Promised Land_

_And I promise that I'll keep this love alive_

_I can change my name_

_I can change my ways_

_But I can't change my past_

_And I can't change the fact _

_That I'm not an angel_

_I'm not an angel_

_I'm just someone who has strayed from heaven's gate_

_I'm not an angel baby_

_I'm just another lost child trying to find my way_

_You're love has set me flying_

_With the wings I've never had_

_If you can see the good in me_

_Then I guess I'm not all bad_

_I'm no angel_

_I'm not an angel_


End file.
